A Fractured Mind
by silver drip
Summary: Jasper never saved Peter and Char, instead he let them burn. With no one to save him he sunk into insanity… until one day he snapped. Eventually Bella/Jasper. Updates every other day.
1. Right

**This is my abbreviated style, I'm estimating that this story will be about 60,000 words long or so. Enjoy! **

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"So when you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there's always madness. Madness is the emergency exit… You can just step outside, and close the door on all those dreadful things that happened. You can lock them away…forever." –Joker (Alan Moore, Batman: The Killing Joke)

**(All lack of capitalizations are on purpose) **

**Prologue:**

**JPOV**

And i wanted to be better for her, but she had him- and how was i supposed to compete with him? He could give her everything, while all i could offer Bella was promises, promises of happiness… happiness with a broken man.

But i still need her especially after being so close, so close. i can't let go, not after that last kiss we shared, that last embrace…

**Ch1: Right**

**JPOV**

I gripped Maria's head tightly against my chest as I watched the rest of her burn. I could feel her gnawing on my hand ferociously, but I didn't care.

Pain was only a minor annoyance meant to be endured as often as possible.

I could feel her fear, her anger, and most of all her hate.

Was her hate directed at me? I was killing her, but I don't know why she'd hate me for that. I mean we all have to die one day, right?

RIGHT?

right.

I held her head up so that she was facing me.

"Maria! Merry Maria!" I sang to her and she scowled. "Oh! oh no, no, no. Turn that frown upside down!" Merry Maria kept up her temper tantrum so I turned her upside down myself. Much better.

I should really keep Fire fed. If she gets hungry she might eat me, and that simply wouldn't do.

How was I supposed to be friends with Fire if she ate me? I mean friends don't eat other friends, right?

RIGHT?

right.

"Oh, Glarry Merry Maria Fire is hungry. We should feed it. It's the only sensible thing to do." Her fear spiked and I breathed in deeply. Ah, there was that emotion- the one constant friend. Fear's my best friend… but I'd never Fire that. Fire is a jealous bitch.

I looked around me at the various body parts, both human and vampire.

How the sand absorbs all the blood, I'll never know.

I mean sand can only go so far.

ah! I figured it out. Sand is a vampire. That's why it drinks so much blood. That's so obvious. Why didn't Maria teach me that?

"Maria! you're with me, now and forever!" I wrapped her head up in a shirt and put it in a bag before I started tossing bits and pieces of other vampires and humans into Fire.

My dear friend Fire hissed in thanks.

"You're completely and whole heartedly welcome." I said cordially. That's how friends talk to each other, right?

RIGHT?

right.

"It's nights like these that really make life worth living, Maria." I said in a content happiness as I tossed the last arm into Fire. Merry Maria's fear was twisting and turning all around. Like a shot bird that was falling to its death from the sky-twisting and turning.

I should shoot a bird.

* * *

**So super crazy Jasper at the start. What do you think of this version of him? **


	2. Butter

**Ch2: Butter**

The smell of smoke drew me from my staring at the sky.

Fire had died and it was the afternoon time.

i'm pretty sure it was just night, pretty sure, by pretty i mean 20% sure, 50% surer, and 30% surest.

"Look at that fuckin' math Maria! 100% on the spot." I patted the bag that held her head.

i don't remember getting this bag, but I have it. Fire must have gotten it for me.

oh, the smoke.

I looked back around. Fire was dead.

Don't worry my compatriot, I Jasper! shall resurrect you.

Luckily i still had Fear with me. I hit Merry Maria's head and Fear fed off her pain, growing stronger.

Better, better, better, butter?

I should head north.

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**It will be a few chapters before Jasper meets Bella, between now and then you'll get a real idea of his insanity. **


	3. Most Noblest

**Ch3: Most Noblest**

I've come to the most noblest conclusion that Fear and Fire are twin sister. Or lovers? Or maybe Fear is smoke. Why was this so complicated. Couldn't they just say what they are to each other?

"What i'm trying to say is that whenever Fire is around Fear is there too."

oh, that makes more sense. I should really speak out loud more often.

"You're welcome."

Thank you.

"No problem, the pleasure's mine."

no sir, i must insist that the pleasure is actually mine due to the fact that you are me and I am you.

"Exactly."

What?

"We were talking about Fear and Fire."

oh, yes- well isn't it a lovely night.

"It's the most noblest of nights."

Fire has gained quite a bit of weight though.

"Well you did feed her a big city…"

Fear was only a itty bitty baby in this city, so I had to bring in her mommy Fire.

"Awww, Fear is so cute."

I find your baby-voice to be disturbing.

"Where did Maria go?"

Merry Maria?

"Glarry Merry Maria, the dame of my heart."

I don't know. I guess I just dropped her. I'll have to find another head soon. How else am I to carry Baby Fear? Mommy Fire won't be pleased if I let her baby die.

It is the most noblest duty of I, Major Jasper H. Whitlock!

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**So his insanity is evolving (or is it devolving?)  
**


	4. Flowers

**Ch4: Flowers**

On the hunt, hunt, hunt, hunt, cunt.

"Don't say that word."

Pardon me dear sir, for a brief second i lost my manners and preformed a breach of etiquette. i'd be ever so grateful if you forgave my horribly, dastardly, bastardly-

What was i doing again?

"Hunting for a head." I responded kindly.

oh, i love Me so much. I am always so comforting.

But each head once plucked from its stem wilted and wouldn't carry Fear.

i should grow a head-

Well I already have two heads.

"One above and one below."

That clarification wasn't necessary. i knew what i was talking about.

What was i talking about again?

"Flowers."

oh, yes that's right flowers. i should grow them. A large garden, Lily always had-

I keeled over in pain.

"No one gave you permission to think about your sister. You're supposed to be hunting down a head-One that can carry Fear."

Thank you my brother in arms.

i don't think pulling off my own head would work though.

"Your top or your bottom head?"

i scoffed.

* * *

**Some of his root problems come to light...Lily, his little sister being one of them. Any guesses on why thinking about her brings him pain?  
**


	5. Tasty

**Ch5: Tasty **

That scent! How i have missed that scent. If only I hadn't _sent_ it away.

Presently! I was scenting the scent of three who could- in the most theoretical _sense_ could carry Fear.

I knew how to track them down without them knowing I was there.

Maria had taught Me that.

Merry Maria. glarry merry maria. I hummed her name, her song, her swirling emotions.

But it wasn't her emotions i could feel. The vortex of emotions that fucked to create fear were emitting from behind Me.

Therefore, ergo, as is the logical thing to do-

I turned around.

oh.

I must have beheaded this vampire when i was thinking.

"Hello Maria." I whispered loving.

The bitch did not whisper kind words back. Instead she hissed and tried to bite me. I let her.

She gnawed.

I must taste great… No, I really don't.

Why did i bite myself again?

"I Shall! reunite Mother Fire and Baby Fear."

Resurrecting Fire was always easy

Always hungry.

I sank to the ground.

i'm always _so _hungry. Why was i being punished with this never ending thirst?

Mother Fire crackled- or did she cackle?

"She wants Me to feed her."

oh, that's right.

I toed Maria's old body into Fire.

Very nice.

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**Jasper is gonna meet a few folks before he runs into Bella. Any guesses on who he just beheaded?  
**


	6. Red

**Ch6: Red**

I tossed the head up and down as I lay on my back, looking at the night sky.

Maria's head would briefly hide the moon- turning it red.

i could not for the life of me figure it out. i see the red, but the red is not blood.

To be red was to be blood and to be blood was to be red.

So why did this red stick to her head? It didn't flow like blood either.

It just held tightly to her head.

"It's her hair."

oh, no small wonder it didn't taste good.

"Seriously most dignified Jasper, I need to get out of here." i questioned my line of thinking. "Those other two will be coming after Me."

oh, well let them come.

"Victoria-"

Victoria? Who is the holder of such a victorious name?

"The new Maria."

Well that's not a very fitting name. She wasn't victorious against Me.

"Those two have been trailing me, and I haven't drank in months. I'm weak."

oh, most gracious me-

I rolled over. My stomach felt like it was being torn open.

How had i not noticed that previously?

I should feed before i face the other two.

"But they're already here."

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**I really liked this last line. What do you think?  
**


	7. Tutus

**Ch7: Tutus**

"You can have this territory. I don't want it." I said to the two vampires.

Two the two, to the two, to the two.

If only they were in _tutus_, but that might be _too_ much.

"You bastard! I'm going to kill you!" The blond male said, his comrade didn't look as violent.

Does he have a boo-boo?

They really should be in tutus.

The blond lunged at me and I dodged him. He was so slow.

_Soooooooooo Slooooooooooow_

oh, no.

His eyes are set on Maria.

"Well that won't do." I said and he looked at me confused. i could still feel his anger.

Where was Baby Fear?

Maria was only feeling hope.

Why, why, why, why?

Blondie lunged at me again.

"Give her back!" He shouted.

How 'bout no.

i'm so thirsty.

Why was he growling at me? I've done nothing to him! And now Baby Fear is dead! And i'm Dead! And-and and and! i haven't seen Mother Fire in-

i don't know what time it is.

I started hyperventilating and I held Maria closer to me.

Baby Fear was born once again. And all was right in the world!

And he's biting Me now, trying to tear Me apart.

The nerve of some people…

So I killed him.

* * *

**Quick chapter. James and Vicky are down, now there's just Laurent...  
**


	8. Recursion

**Ch8: Recursion **

I chased the blond's comrade for a while to feed Mother Fire, but he was fast and i grow bored easily.

oh, well. Mother Fire is a bitch anyways.

Time passed. i could tell, because i could tell, because i could tell.

i slowly remembered how important it was to feed.

Killing those holders of the red, the blood- it was delicious.

It was-

"Yes, I get it- blood is yummy and it makes the thirst slow down. Sand is a vampire. I know! I know! So shut up."

What a jerk. I'm such a jerk.

i was going to say that I fed their empty capsules to Mother Fire, but I had to be a jerk about it and interrupt me.

I'm the finest jerk in all of the land.

What was i talking about again?

"The flowers."

of course. It always comes back to the damn flowers. Who gave humans permission to plant them? i certainly didn't. Did i?

"No I didn't. But aren't the flowers lovely… especially the lilies."

oh, i hate lilies the most-especially the blond ones.

"Blond and Lily… Now what does that remind me of?"

lily! lily! lily! lily!

i know because, i know because, i know because!

"Lily!"

lil sister lily.

Why do i have to think about her? And now I'm crying and weeping and rolling around in misery.

"I said I'd go back."

i'll go back.

"It's been a few decades." I said. I'm so silly.

How could years have passed? It's only the afternoon!

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**Jasper's going back South...**


	9. Home

**Sorry if I didn't respond to your review! It's been a busy day!**

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**Ch9: Home**

Why had I come back south again?

Isn't the ground a vampire here, seeping up blood like it's always thirsty…

Mother Fire is always thirst.

oh, and where is Baby Fear?

i think I dropped Glarry Merry Maria again.

I sat down and started pouting.

"Lily."

oh, yes. Flowers are very nice. If this sand didn't feed off blood I'd grow a garden.

And I'd build a house.

And I'd have a dog.

And I'd have kids.

And i'd be married.

What happened to Merry Maria again?

"I have to find my sister."

i have to find my sister.

"I know where home is."

Well please do lead the way most gallant of fellows.

So I led myself to a house. a house that was a home. with a dog. And most importantly flowers.

But the flowers were dead.

lily is dead.

She's dead.

"She waited for me… Lil sister Lily."

She did not wait!

i shouted but I wouldn't listen!

_I_ told her! _I_ told her I'd be back and she's not here she didn't wait!

"Time waits for no one."

Then I must be no one because time damn well waits for me.

"So i'm no one now?"

Only the most noblest no one to ever roam these land.

Why was I here again?

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******This story will be about 70,000 words long FYI. **

**What do you think of this chapter and Jasper's reaction/reasoning?  
**


	10. Cheese

**Ch10: Cheese**

Time passed. It was nice.

Mother Fire and Baby Fear decided to live somewhere else.

We three had a disagreement earlier this decade.

Mother Fire and Baby Fear said they were stronger than me.

But I'm the God of War.

In the Army Gods outrank Mothers and especially Babies.

We were taught that on our first day.

What was i talking about again?

"How I foolishly put my foot in the fire-"

oh yes, to show Mother Fire that i am stronger than her.

I proved her wrong.

"I lost three toes because of it."

Baby Fear was useless, but she keeps coming back.

Mother Fire is much more resolute in our divorce.

Baby Fear visits me when I take care of my thirst.

"Just remember to take care of the bodi-"

bodies like Maria taught me. i know.

I flopped down on the ground and started pouting.

The sky changed various times as cheese rolled across it, chased by the sun.

i, the most politest god of all the land found it very entertaining.

"Oliver, I don't think we should bother him. He's not right in the head." A very lovely female voice said.

"You weren't right in the head when I found you either." A very lovely male voice said.

"But I was a human. Humans can be fixed. I don't think he can."

"Alice, you have to trust me."

Their swirling emotions disturbed me.

i can hardly handle my own emotions, let alone anyone else's.

I couldn't be bothered to look over at the two lovely voices.

And then the cheese in the sky was blocked from my view.

All I saw was a face-with a neck.

Necks have red.

i'm _so _thirsty.

So I grabbed the neck.

And bit.

Then spit.

Instead of red-

"No blood, useless." I said.

The useless one moved away as did the other.

So thirsty, so thirsty, so... thirsty...

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**So Alice came and went... she might appear later on. But next chapter... Bella is introduced! You excited?  
**


	11. Mistress

**Ch11: Mistress**

Mistress Thirst was my new companion.

She made me seek the red but-

But!

i am also her Master because-

"i dictate when I feed."

yes, how did I know that. i hadn't even said it yet.

So it was just me and the Mistress, and her violent tendencies.

She didn't need a head for a vessel like that weakling Baby Fear did.

I am her vessel and she is my companion.

Well, there were also the chaotic emotions that i avoided at all times.

Only when Mistress Thirst needed to be beaten into submission did I deal with other's emotions.

Why couldn't they just be like me and feel nothing?

Is that so much to ask?

"It's impossible. I miss flowers…"

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

i screamed.

You piece of shit! i don't want to _feel_-

"My emotions are the scariest."

Then stop talking about lil sister lily!

Why do I always do this to me?!

i'll kill Me myself if I keep talking about her! Do I understand?!

"Yes… I'll just go hunt."

Stupendous proposal My noblest self.

Shall i be dining on the red or would I like to be fancy tonight and drink red instead?

"…red will be just fine."

Why so down? Was i too mean?

i'll make it up to Me.

Today I shall drink red, the most noblest red in all the land.

So I searched, and I searched, and I searched.

Then I found this rainy place.

"There's others around, tread carefully."

It's raining they won't smell me.

"I smelled them didn't I?"

i'm better than them though. i'm the God of War.

"Just be careful."

Anything for you, for Me.

I didn't respond.

The bestest red was near.

i held back a gasp as I saw her walk out of a house.

Such a lovely vessel of red!

oh, and her emotions!

"They're an even monotone-monochrome-mono-mono! Mono! Only one! Uno… So beautiful and calming."

_i _want her.

"But i haven't wanted anything beyond red and peace in-"

seconds, decades, years, hours?!

i don't know what to do…

"Stop being so hesitant. I take her of course!"

So I swept in.

I grabbed her.

And I ran.

* * *

**So this is the chapter that had originally been my inspiration- Jasper suddenly wanting someone(Bella) after not wanting anything for years.  
**

**What do you think of their first meeting? Anyone expect a kidnapping?  
**


	12. Rain

**Important Author's**** notes:**** Bella is not Edward's singer and Alice is not with the Cullen family. **

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**Ch12: Rain**

"This wasn't a good idea, but I'm so glad I did it!"

me too!

"Let me go!" The female shouted and hit me with her small fists. They felt like rain drops-

oh, wait- it's raining.

"I don't want her to be sick."

"Then let me go you bastard! When Edward-"

Who's Edward?

"Who's Edward?" I asked while stopping. I set her down, but she tried to run away.

Careful now, she's a human.

"I know."

So I grabbed her wrist as carefully as I could-

And she yanked free of my grip.

Perhaps a tad bit less careful.

So I grabbed her again. This time she couldn't yank free.

"Who's Edward?" I asked again. i was feeling. That was never a good sign.

"He's my boyfriend and a vampire and there are four others with him! They'll kill you if you hurt me." Her single steady emotion was determination. i couldn't tell if she was lying.

"She's not lying."

Well even if they do catch Me they can't kill me.

"True, but they could try and take her away."

"Who are you taking to, you psycho!" The small female shouted. i realized she was shaking and her lips were turning blue.

She's cold.

"You're cold." I'd forgotten humans had that tendency.

"Of course I'm cold! Not everyone is immune to weather like you vampires."

"Well how do I-" Damn I forgot how hard it was to talk to others. "How do I get you not cold… warm per say?"

"You take me back home."

but that's where the others are, the ones that would take her away…

I could resurrect Mother Fire, but…

"We got divorced." I said.

"Please just let me go! You don't have to do this. I'm probably not even that tasty."

i'd forgotten I was thirsty. That could wait for later though.

"Other than take you home. How can I make you warm?"

The beauty stared at me a while her teeth chattered, her hair stuck to her head, and she looked lovely yet weak. Her eyes seemed to soften a bit when she finally stopped trying to pull away long enough to actually see me.

"I-I just need to get into some dry clothes and be somewhere warm."

oh, well that's easy.

I scooped her up and she shrieked again.

* * *

**Their first conversation, very romantic as you can see lol. What do you think? **


	13. Bathroom Business

**Ch13: Bathroom Business**

"I just need to get her warm and away from those that would try and steal her from me."

When did I get a plan? and was i there when I made it?

Why was I carrying her again?

"Because i want her." I whispered. "Why do you keep making that noise?" I asked her as I ran. A town was close. i could smell it.

"You don't just pick someone up like that!"

"Why?"

"Because it's rude!" Her only emotion was indignity. i was surprised Baby Fear hadn't appeared yet.

I set her down. She smelled like flowers.

"How do I pick you up then?" I asked, genuinely curious. For some reason My question startled her. She shook her head, her emotion going back to indignation.

"What century are you from?" She asked. That was completely random. She obviously doesn't have the soundest mind.

"What century is it?"

"The 21st."

oh.

"Oh, I'm from a different century."

"Clearly." She scoffed. i just wanted to hold her. So I did. "Get off me!" Her emotion switched to embarrassment.

"You're a lot colder than most humans. Tell me how to pick you up." She didn't respond immediately. i always responded immediately to Me.

"You do it like this." She hopped onto My back.

Well I didn't pick her up at all.

Her vocabulary must be atrocious.

"Your vocabulary is atrocious."

She didn't respond to Me.

Despite her being cold she felt very warm to me.

"Not as warm as she's supposed to be though. I need to hurry."

So I hurried into the town.

It was easy for Me to find an empty house that was warm.

"You should go get warm. We're moving in fifteen minutes."

That was a good plan i'm glad I thought of it.

She scrambled away from Me and to what looked like a bedroom.

Her emotion was annoyance.

This house is so ugly. It could really use some more red.

Mistress Thirst-

"Stay away." I commanded.

She complied.

"Who are you talking to?" The human said from the other room.

The most noblest Jasper-

"She can't hear my thoughts."

oh, well i guess she just heard that.

The female huffed in annoyance.

"I'm going to use the restroom. Don't disturb me."

Fine.

She is such a jerk.

"She's not that bad. I did kidnap her."

she's not a kid.

"i'm splitting hairs."

i could hear a strange noise over the sound of the shower, sink, and toilet being flushed.

"She's on the phone."

oh, what should I do?

"…Take the phone from her. She's probably calling her boyfriend."

But she said not to disturb her…

"Well Merry Maria called Me disturbed and look what happened to her!"

I was right of course.

I tore down the door to the bathroom and the female shrieked. She was clutching the phone to her head. I just stared at her.

"Hello! Bella, are you still there?" The faintest of voices said. Perhaps a phone was a vessel for someone. I just kept staring.

The female gave me the phone with shaking hands. i thought getting her dry clothes and in a warm place would stop that. I looked down at the contraption.

What do i do with this?

"I speak to it and it speaks back."

oh.

"Hello?" I asked the phone.

* * *

**So Jasper doesn't think Bella has the sanest of minds. What do you think about what happened in this chapter? Excited for the phone call?  
**


	14. The Call

**Ch14: The Call**

"If you hurt a single hair on her head I swear to God almighty that we'll track you down an-"

Where have i heard this before?

"Glarry Merry Maria always said she'd track me down and kill me."

Where did I drop her again?

i can't even picture her anymore. Did she have red hair or black hair?

"Black."

"What are you talking about you son of a bitch!"

oh, he's still talking.

"i missed the first part. What did you say?" I asked and the person in the phone growled at me. Does he know who I am? I'm the God of War. No one growls at the God of War. Does he know how many vampires I've killed? How many I've fed to Mother Fire? How often I gave life to Baby Fear?

I slammed my fist through the wall, causing the human to gasp.

oh, i missed what he said again.

"i missed it again."

"Stop playing games with me! I'll kill you if you hurt her!"

Was that a threat?

"That was a threat." I smashed the phone and the female who i assumed was Bella started crying. I tossed the broken bits behind her.

Her emotion was frustrated.

"Are you warm yet?" I asked and her frustration sky rocket.

i hated when humans cried. Only the earth and the sky were supposed to create water.

"I remember when Li-"

i stopped Myself mid-sentence and immediately banished the thought.

"You're so insane."

Well I like me. She obviously doesn't know who i am.

"It's been ten minutes."

oh, thanks Me. What should i do? It's still raining outside. If we stopped every fifteen minutes for her to warm up we'd never get anywhere.

"Steal a car. I've seen people drive them a thousand times."

Good idea, i'm glad I thought of it.

"You want me to steal a car? Why would I do that?" Bella asked while flailing her arms. She's so silly. Why would I want her to steal a car?

"She can hear Me when I speak."

"Of course I can hear you when you speak! You're talking _aloud _you freak!"

Well i knew that part. She's being redundant.

How do i make it so that she doesn't hear Me, but i hear Me?

"I just need to think."

But if I think too how will _i_ know _I_'m talking instead of me?

"Practice?"

That sounded complicated.

"i'm wasting time. Bella you need food and clothes. Grab as much as you can in the next five minutes. I'm going to start the car in the driveway and I'll be able to hear if you try to leave." She moved instantly.

See i'm still good at giving orders- I'm the most gracious Major-

"Shut up and get in the car."

Fine.

* * *

**I just finished my other story Natural Order. Check it out. What do you think of Jasper's and Edward's 'conversation'?  
**


	15. The Wheel

**Ch15: The Wheel**

The human that owned the house was silly enough to leave the keys to the car on the counter in the kitchen.

"Hurry Bella."

She's actually going fairly fast for a human.

Fairly fast for a flaming furry ferret flying four feet-

"She's stalling."

oh, well that's not very nice of her. I carried her the way she wanted me to and everything…

"She thinks I'm going to kill her."

Why would i do that?

"Well… I am a vampire." i laughed. "Just go get all the items she has gathered and put it in the car then do the same to her."

As always, good plan. Master strategist right here. What's My kill count in battle? Campaigns I won? Armies I've destroyed?

"That's not relevant. Just do what I said."

Damn I am such a dick.

So i did what I told myself to.

Bella was not happy in the least. I considered feeding the house to Mother Fire, but decided it would take too long.

It took Me less than two seconds to figure out how to drive. But where to go?

"To the flowers."

No, no, no, no, no.

NO!

South and East.

"Fine, but I'd like to say that I disagree with me on this matter, for future reference."

For future reference. i scoffed at Me- as if the future really matters.

"Why are you doing this?" Bella asked.

Why was I doing this?

Where's Glarry Merry Maria?

I should have never lost her. She'll torture me, torture us all if she gets put back together.

Why did i kill her again?

Why was I missing toes?

What century is it?

Why am i still alive?

"STOP!" I shouted at me. Bella flinched and finally i felt Baby Fear coming from her, but instead of comforting me like it usually did it made me feel sick. "Apologize."

For what? i've down nothing wrong.

i growled at Myself in frustration.

"I scared her. Say sorry." i glanced at Bella. She was crying again.

"I'm sorry." Her fear slowly dissipated into anger.

Women, so easily influenced by a few choice words.

Remember when i tricked glarry merry mari-

"What's your name?" Bella asked. I could tell she was trying to suppress her anger.

oh, I haven't giving her my name. How rude of Me.

I'm such a jerk.

Why was I always so mean?

This beauty is sitting right next to Me brightening my world and here I am being mean.

I'm the worst, the most noblest piece of shit in all the land!

Why, why, why, why was I so mean?

I was never supposed to be this way. i was supposed to go back to Lily as a hero and tell her all my war stories.

She died at it was all My fault!

Or was it my fault?

i hate Me so much!

i began weeping.

"Jesus Christ! You're going to run us off the road!" Bella took the steering wheel from Me.

Why was she so beautiful, why does she only have one emotion? Why am i keeping her?

"i need to focus." I said.

I was right. I was always right.

Ergo, therefore, as follows i listened to Me.

I took the wheel back from Beautiful Bella.

beautiful bumbling bella bouncing blue barking bananas-

"Shut up!" I shouted.

Bella flinched and i felt ashamed.

* * *

**So, things aren't going too smoothly. What do you think of Jasper's outburst? Would you be scared?  
**


	16. Pain

**Ch16: Pain**

i just want her to be happy.

"Me too…"

i don't know what to do.

"I take her away so that they can't get her."

Or i could kill them.

"That would make her hate Me and me." I was right. I'm always right.

"Please just let me go. No one has to get hurt." Bella pleaded. Her sad expression hurt my heart.

"I hurt too…"

She was crying.

"I can fix that."

but i haven't done that in years.

"I still know how to…"

So I sent her happiness. i was filled with pride and joy when Bella smiled. i forgotten how easy it was to manipulate, to change, to move, to make their emotions my slave!

i should really do it more often.

Glarry Merry Maria! would be so proud! She always loved me the bestest- said My gift was her gift!

i the most noblest Major Jasper Whitlock! i the God of War! i the slayer of armies-

"STOP!"

Bella gasped and my control of her emotions slipped. i grabbed hold of her emotions again.

i'm such a fool! i the biggest jerk in all the lands!

So I drove as i watched the area for any signs of other vampires.

"She asked me a question."

what?

"my name is Jasper Whitlock, ma'am. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance." I'm so smooth.

lily always said-

I swerved the car.

"If I can't talk about Lily than i can't talk about her either." I whispered to me, so that Bella couldn't hear.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Bella asked.

doing what?

"Doing what?" I asked meekly.

I'm so weak, so pathetic, so unforgivable-

"Kidnapping me!" Bella flailed her arms around again. Her face was red.

Mistress Thirst!

The pain, the aching, the constant all encompassing agony!

"i don't know, but I know." I said in a strange tone that i didn't recognize.

What was I talking about?

"Why don't you ever make any sense?" Bella asked in a sad voice while wiping away some tears.

I make perfect sense all the time. It's not my fault that her silly human brain can't comprehend the glorious, all shining, brilliant-

"Just know that I won't hurt you." When did i give permission to Me to make such promises? Was i there? i don't think so!

I'm such a bastard, the worst, the most deplorable.

"Then just let me go. Taking me away from my family hurts me."

i was confused and I was conflicted.

I don't want to hurt her. She's just so beautiful. i don't think i could ever let her go and i know I could never let her go.

She's mine, she's Mine.

i just want her to be happy. So I made her happy.

As much as i hated my gift, it is useful.

"I could keep her like this always…"

i didn't want that though.

"I hate emotions."

i hate emotions, but if I keep her like this… well i don't want to manipulate her.

"Would you rather her be in pain?"

…

"The car is making a strange noise." I was right of course, I am always right.

i hate Me.

And then the car stopped moving.

* * *

**Jasper's fleeing isn't going so well. Jasper wants her to be happy so he used his gift to do so. What do you think about this manipulation?  
**


	17. Good Samaritan

**Ch17: Good Samaritan **

I pushed down on the pedal that made the car move, but it didn't work.

i'm so confused…

I smashed the radio in frustration, making Bella flinch.

Stop scaring her!

I sighed in frustration.

"I'll figure this out." I turned towards Bella. "Most Beautifulest Bella, why has the car stopped moving?"

She was staring out the window, before turning and looking at Me. i wish she'd look at me.

I sent her trust.

She blinked a few times before looking at the car. She felt a burst of humor.

i hate when she feels more than one emotion at the time. I should stop manipulating her.

"You really must be old. It's out of gas." Bella laughed and I smiled.

i was happy.

i had forgotten what this emotion felt like. i enjoy this emotion, this emotion is good. I should try to feel it more often.

"I'll get to that later."

oh, okay.

"How do I get more gas?"

"You have to go to a gas station."

They're probably people there. i don't trust people.

"I don't either. Another car is coming. I'll just take their's." I am so smart. i hadn't even noticed there was another car until I said it was there.

I got out of the car as i kept Bella's emotions calm and steady.

The other car pulled over when I waved at them. Bella was trying to break loose of my hold over her emotions.

"Do ya need a lift to the next gas station?" This human was clever. i didn't like that. So I grabbed the man and pulled him out of the car.

Bella screamed. my gift was weak from lack of use.

"Please don't hurt him!"

but he has red… Mistress Thirst was begging me to feed her. Why shouldn't I drink?

"Hey man- just ease off. You can take the car! Just please don't hurt me!" The human said. I went to drink from him, but i stopped when Bella shouted at Me.

"Please, I'm begging you Jasper. I'll do anything! Just don't kill him!" Bella pleaded her face was turning red and she was crying.

Mistress Thirst was trying to control me!

i control Mistress Thirst, not the other way around.

i should agree to her deal.

Why was this man yelling again?

"You promise you'll do anything I tell you to if I don't kill him?" I asked her. My voice was arrogant. i had forgotten how that sounded. Bella nodded. "Fine." I knocked the man unconscious.

* * *

**So Bella made a promise. Do you think she'll keep it?  
**


	18. Conflict

**Important: My computer has almost reached its limit. I'm going to have to take it in soon. That means that I might not be able to post/respond to reviews as often as I normally do! Sorry! Just know that I'm still here!**

* * *

**Ch18: Conflict**

"i am so glad that you've decided to play nicely and I am glad too." I said. Her only emotion was nervous. "You're not to try to run away from Me or contact anyone else without My permission." Bella nodded and I was pleased.

i love how she only feels one emotion at a time. It's so calming, so centering.

glarry merry maria was never calm. Her emotions were always fluctuating. i remember when she first had me kill the newborns i had created-

"Stop it." I whispered.

Bella looked over at me and I smiled at her. She blushed and looked away. Her emotion switched to embarrassment.

So cute, my Bella.

"Jasper…" She was speaking to me, to me, to me, to me! i grinned wider.

"Yes?"

"I'll need to use the bathroom soon."

oh, well i guess I should find a bathroom.

"I'll find a house."

or a house.

"Please don't kill anyone."

fine, but Mistress Thirst won't be too happy about that. She's such a bitch, like Mother Fire.

"Fine." I responded. i should just turn her into a vampire. Then this wouldn't be a problem. "Not yet."

Why!?

I'm such a jerk! i hate Me so much. i just want to die. If i was dead I'd never have to feel again, never have to think, to breathe, to feed all those that are with me, Fire, Fear, and Thirst.

"Shut up."

i complied.

"You really are insane aren't you?" Bella asked, her emotion was curiosity. i didn't know how to respond. "I would get kidnapped by the one insane vampire out there."

Why was she so mean to me?

I've been trying so hard and this is how she treats me? i began weeping.

i am so pathetic, so deplorable, the most worst in all the land-

i'm the God of War, no i'm not. I'm the God of War.

i am nothing.

"I'm sorry, please don't cry." Bella pleaded with me. She felt regret. i am the worst. i'm making her feel this way.

I pulled over the car and pulled her onto my lap. She felt surprise at first, but when i held her close it turned into a warm comforting feeling i'd never experienced before.

"It's going to be alright. I didn't mean what I said." Bella whispered as she brushed her fingers through my hair.

i just don't want her to hate me or to hate Me. i just want her to love me and to never go away.

"I need to keep moving. The others could be close." I whispered.

but i want to keep holding her…

i hate Me. I'm such a jerk.

"I keep me alive, so I don't want to hear me bitch about it."

okay, i'm sorry…

I put Bella back in her seat and continued driving.

* * *

**So what do you think of their tender moment?**


	19. Hands

**Sorry for the delay! My computer is back and running. **

* * *

**Ch19: Hands**

I found an empty house. Bella hopped out of the car quickly and I broke the door down for her.

She scurried off inside.

"I don't care if i trust her, because I don't trust her. i'm naive."

we made a deal though. She won't do anything bad…

I went into the house anyways.

i am _so _thirsty, so tired, so alone.

I knocked on the door to the bathroom.

"Just a minute." Bella said. Her emotion was a light resignation.

See! i told Me that she wasn't going to try anything.

"Unlike me, I remember what happened last time she went to a bathroom."

oh, i had forgotten about that…

"Exactly."

Bella opened the door.

"Jasper…" Her emotion was determination and I was on alert.

"Yes?"

"Can I please call my dad? I'm worried about him." Bella had an adorable frown on her face and i felt my heart melting. "It has only been a few hours. He probably doesn't even know I'm missing. If I could just call him I could tell him I'm staying at a friend's house then he won't worry about me and start asking questions."

i think I should let her.

"She might be lying." I reasoned.

but she might not be… she said she'd be good.

"Fine, but this better not be a trick." Bella grinned widely and startled Me with a hug. i didn't want to let go, but I did.

Bella went to a phone and typed in a few numbers. It made a ringing sound a few times before i heard Bella's voice even though she wasn't speaking.

_"You've reached the Swan residence. We are not here currently to answer the phone. Please leave a name and message and we'll get back to you ASAP."_

Then there was a click.

"Hey dad, I'm staying after school to work on a project then I'm heading to P.A. to go shop with Jessica. I'm probably going to sleep over at her house tonight. I'll call you later, love you, bye." She put the phone back down.

"P.A.?" I asked.

pennsylvania, pennies, porridge, poppies, flowers-

"Port Angeles, it's a city where I go shopping sometimes."

I nodded even though I wasn't sure she was telling me the truth.

"We need to go."

fine…

"Okay." Her resignation was back.

i want her to be happy…

"Me too."

Bella gave Me a strange look, but didn't say anything.

She thinks I'm weird. I'm not weird, and i'm especially not weird.

i wish she'd love me.

"Start slow." I whispered commandingly as we walked back to the car. Bella grabbed something from the back of it before sitting and eating it. "Stay on alert."

i watched for any threats as I drove.

It was silent as I drove and i was unnerved.

i am the most noblest God of War! The Major does not get unnerved! i am the killer of many, savior of none!

"May I hold your hand?" I said, surprising her.

Where had that come from? i certainly did not give Me permission to make such a presumptuous request!

I ruined everything! Now Bella will hate me! i just want to die.

"I guess…"

i was surprised, but I was not. I held her hand, and the word was a much better place because of it.

* * *

**Sweet yet dark chapter... What do you think?  
**


	20. Heaven

**Ch20: Heaven**

i was in heaven.

I am so smart, i can't believe i ever doubted Me.

i'm such an idiot. i should never have control. I'm much better at it.

i should just vanish and let Me have my body- or was it My body already?

What was i talking about again?

"i need to calm down I'd die without me."

But which one is the real Jasper Whitlock- the ones that's lily's big brother?

"I'll discuss that another time."

but i need to know now! What if Bella doesn't like the me or Me that's real! i couldn't stand it if she rejected me or Me.

Who am i?

"Calm down."

No i won't calm down! Tell me now! Or i'll-

"i'll what?" I asked. My voice sounded so cruel and i was glad Bella was sleeping.

i don't know… Please stop yelling at me.

"I'm just looking out for my best interests. Don't i trust Me?"

I've never led me astray before.

I sighed.

"i am Jasper and I am Jasper, we are both the real Jasper. I am me and i am Me. It's really just that simple."

oh, okay.

"Cheer up. Look who's holding My hand." i glanced at My hand. It was woven with Bella's. "Doesn't that make me feel better?"

yes, it really does.

i feel different- clearer. i don't know if i like it.

"I don't know either. All I know is that I want Bella. If she makes Me feel different I'm fine with that."

i looked at the car in front of Me.

The red lights…

"i can't think about that right now." I said in a kind voice.

but i'm so thirsty.

"I can do it when Bella's asleep- get me something red to drink."

She'd know! And then she'd hate me!

i am disgusting, the worst, a monster-

"We'll I need to feed eventually. If I get too weak they'll take her away…"

"There's another way." Bella mumbled I was surprised. I had not known she was awake again. Her eyes were only slightly open and she leaned against My shoulder. "You can always drink from animals. They have blood too. That's what Ed- the Cullen family does."

red is red.

i think I should try it.

"Later I want to create more distance between us and them." I said to me, but Bella shook her head like I was talking to her. Her breathing quickly evened out as she fell back to sleep leaning against Me.

i am in heaven.

* * *

**(FYI I'll be writing Bella's POV in about 6-9 chapters). So Jasper is feeling a bit clearer... Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  
**


	21. An Option

**Ch21: An Option**

I've driven enough. i want to feed.

"Even if it's animals I hunt?"

if it makes Bella happy.

"I know. Fine."

By now Bella has started ignoring Me whenever I speak, unless I directly addressed her. Her emotion teetered from curiosity to guilt every few minutes.

I pulled the car over into an area that had lots of trees. But when I got out of the car I hesitated. I was stalling. I never stall.

"Bella," I said. My voice was meek, strange. Her eyes were big and brown and everything i ever wanted. "Do you promise to stay put?" She nodded and her only emotion changed to a strange resignation. i don't know if she's telling the truth.

I looked at her a bit longer before taking off into the woods. As I hunted i worried.

An animal was easy to find, but it tasted horrible. Still I drank and i was grateful for that.

It was about time Mistress Thirst and i get a divorce.

i will no longer tolerate her. i only need one Mistress and that is Bella.

"Maria used to make Me call her Mistress, do i really want another Mistress?" I asked as I ran back to Bella.

…

i felt so much relief when I saw that Bella was still in the car where I left her. Her eyes were searching the dark forest, looking for me.

"She's worried."

about me?

"Yeah."

oh.

I walked back to the car, to Bella. Her emotion switched to happiness when she saw me, but she quickly squashed it with a sense of guilt.

Why would she do that?

"She has a boyfriend remember."

oh, and i am nothing to her.

Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing!

Less than the dirt under her shoes.

Less than the bugs on the windshield.

Less than-

"Stop." I ordered.

"Are you okay Jasper?" Bella asked me. Why does she always have such a caring look?

Why am I driving this car?

Why do i feel better around her?

When are all my sins going to catch up-

"i'm never okay, but thank you for asking."

Wasn't that a bit dark? Now she'll never love me.

"I was just telling her the truth."

Bella's emotion switched to worry.

See! Now look what I did!

I'm the worst-

"I want to see my father. I'm sure he's worried sick by now. The Cullen family is very kind. You stuck to your promise of not hurting me. I think it's time you take me home. They won't hurt you. If you ask they might even take you in and help you with sticking to the animal diet." Bella's voice was very sincere.

i squirmed, but I showed no emotions.

i don't know what to do.

"If I-"

i know! Don't say it!

i know, i know, i know, i know- No! nononono NO!

"Calm down."

i don't want Edward to have her.

"I don't want that either."

"You don't have to make a decision right now." Bella took My hand in hers. "Just think about it."

"i'll think about it."

* * *

**I've had a real shitty day. Please send me something that will make me smile.  
**


	22. In a Corner

**Ch22: In a Corner **

I drove as i thought, hours passed.

Bella's hand felt so comforting in mine.

"If I do this thing i'm thinking of… I won't be able to block the thoughts- my memories." I whispered to me.

I glanced at Bella. She was staring out the window. She seemed to sense Me staring and looked at Me.

"I'll need to go to the bathroom again soon, Jasper." I nodded.

I found an empty house not long after.

How do i measure time again?

What is time? I can't touch time.

Maybe it's just movement- A year was the movement of the earth around the sun, right?

"Pay attention."

i was in the house and Bella was in the bathroom. When did I get here?

"They're here."

What? No, no, no, no, no! They can't have her!

i can hear them, five-moving outside the house. I can kill them easily and feed them to Mother Fire-

"Bella wouldn't like that. What should I do?"

"Did you ask me something?" Bella said as she walked out of the bathroom. I pulled her behind me and put My back to a corner.

"What's my decision?"

"Jasper, what's wrong- Edward!" Bella's emotion changed to hope and i instantly hated the scrawny boy in front of him.

* * *

***Hiding behind my hands* So... that just happened. What do you think will happen next?  
**


	23. The Deal

**Ch23: The Deal**

Bella's sense of hope at seeing this boy made me and Me feel physically sick.

Why, why, why would _he_- this nothing of a male make her feel that way?

Another two males appeared and then two females. I could take them easily, destroy them.

"Is that what i want Me to do?"

i started growling.

"Jasper please don't hurt them. They're my family." The boy edged closer and I took a fighting stance. "Edward stop pressuring him! He won't hurt me. I can talk him down from this." i felt Bella's small hand on my back, right over one of My scars. Or was it one of my scars?

i could remember the fight that I got that one in. It had been a massacre.

"Bella's he's insane! Get away from him!" The boy shouted.

Does he want Me to kill him?

"No he's not," Bella paused and i listened. "He's-he's just confused. Carlisle," a blond male perked up and I was reminded of the last blond I faced. The boy flinched.

"Interesting." I whispered. Perhaps he was gifted.

"Jasper tried your diet, he didn't hurt me- I think you should invite him back home with us!" Bella shouted over the combined growls of Me and the boy. "He just needs some guidance."

The boy was about to speak when the blond hushed him.

"Their leader." I identified him, setting My eyes on him.

Glarry Merry Maria wasn't blon-

"Is it true, did you try feeding on animals?"

is he asking me?

"Yes." I responded to both me and him.

"If you just let Bella go I'd be more than happy to help you change your lifestyle." His emotions were telling me that he was not lying.

but the boy's emotions… He wanted to kill Me… to kill me.

"Jasper you have to trust them. He only wants to help." i could hear Bella, but My eyes were glued to the boy's.

Their leader sensed this.

"Edward back off now. Everybody give us some room." The blond-Carlisle ordered.

"But-" The boy stared to say before the third male pulled him back.

They all moved back a bit and i felt a little less on edge. I could still take them down if I needed to. Thirteen seconds at most- that would be all the time it would take Me to kill them all.

"Jasper, if they promise not to attack you will you let me go?" Bella said in her soothing voice. Her emotion was determination.

i was confused. i'm not worried about them trying to kill me at all, why would that make me want to give them Bella?

"Promise me you'll let Me come with you and teach me your diet and I'll let Bella go." I said without my permission.

Who said I could say that? i certainly didn't.

i hate Me. I'm-

"It's a deal."

I let Bella move from behind me and to them- and i just wanted to cry.

* * *

**I know it's not what most of you wanted, but it's all part of my plan. How do you feel about this twist? Surprised? Interested? Disappointed?  
**


	24. Smothering

**Ch24: Smothering**

Why, why, why, why, why did I do that? This doesn't make any sense! Why am I allowing this to happen!?

And then Bella walked over to the boy and they embraced, making Me want to kill him.

Their blond leader stepped closer to me, but i couldn't take my eyes off Bella. I was looking at their leader though.

Was Maria's hair red or black- perhaps blond?

"I'm Carlisle Cullen." He said hesitantly.

i'm the most noblest-

"I'm Jasper Whitlock." I said.

stop cutting me off!

… but I didn't respond.

"So you want to try our lifestyle out?"

i just want-

"Yeah, sorry for the strange circumstances." I said, once again cutting me off. Why am I doing this? I'm smothering me!

i wanted to weep.

"Yes, this is a very interesting start. We- as in my family and you, should head back to my home. I don't want to be here when the owner of this house sees all the damage we've done." Carlisle chuckled and I pretended to laugh.

All these emotions are too much i- He must be trying to trick Me somehow.

"Dad, he's insane. He'll massacre the whole town if-"

"No he won't." Bella said to him as she untangled herself from the boy. The surprise in the room made me feel light headed. All these emotions…

i focused on Bella- she was feeling determination.

So calming...

"He's dangerous-" The boy began again.

"He's just confused."

"Bella," the boy said in a tired voice. "You can't see the scars that cover every inch of his skin. He's very dangerous."

You don't understand what i went through, what I had to do!

All the battles, the deaths- they kept flashing through my mind.

i just want them to stop!

"He's right, I am very dangerous." I said-Why was I saying that. STOP IT! "But so is he." I smiled charmingly while looking at the boy before looking back at Bella. "You know I won't hurt anyone."

But I can and I have and then there's the flowers…

"Esme, Rose take the stolen vehicle and dispose of it." Carlisle ordered. "The rest of us will take the two cars we brought. Jasper how about you ride with me?" I nodded and followed him out, letting My back be exposed to the others.

Why won't I speak to me?! Why would I do that? i don't understand! i'm so scared! Why did I do that?

_It's to show them I trust them._

* * *

**Important AN:**** Bella is not Edward's singer in this story. Any guesses on what was up wit the last line?  
**


	25. Whispers

**AN: Alice isn't with the Cullen family. She's with her mate Harrison, but they are both vegetarians. **

* * *

**Ch25: Whispers**

i can- but- I didn't.

_Yes, I didn't speak, but i can hear Me._

oh.

_I told me that it was possible._

i know…

_Pay attention._

I was in a car next to Carlisle. The third male was sitting behind Me. Why was Bella and the boy in the other car? i want her here.

"I'm Emmett." The one behind Me said. Why was he being so nice?

"It's nice to meet you Emmett. I had a friend that went by that name once." I lied.

He wasn't a friend he was a newborn I culled-

"You have a bit of a twang to your voice. Where were you born?"

i was born where the flowers bloom…

"In Texas, born and raised-Died there too."

A bolt of fear went through Carlisle. Perhaps he knows Me now. He's going to kick me out- never let me see Bella again- i'm a monster-

"So what brought you up north?" Why did he keep prying, did he want me to snap? I've been tortured before I know how to hold out, to keep the information to Myself.

glarry merry maria made sure of that.

"i don't know." I was telling the truth i don't know why I came north, but i'm sure I do know.

Bella said this was the 21st century… i was born in the 19th century. It doesn't even feel like a decade has passed.

Where was i when all that time was passing?

i could feel chaos bubbling inside of me. i must have done things between then and now!

i don't understand! That's such a long time- so many opportunities to destroy and kill-

_Calm down._

i calmed down.

I always knew what was best for me.

Carlisle started talking about his life and i just drifted off…

i'm not needed…

The boy is probably whispering horrible things to Bella about me…

Horrible, true things…

* * *

**What do you think of this new means of communication for Jasper? Next chapter will be... in Bella's POV! You excited?  
**


	26. Confusion

**Ch26: Confusion**

**BPOV**

That had to be the strangest day and a half of my life.

I felt so confused.

When Jasper snatched me up… I had thought that I was about to be his next meal, but when I saw his face…

I just don't understand, nothing's making any sense anymore.

"He didn't hurt you did he?" Edward asked in a strained voice as he drove. He looked at me with so much love and worry that it was almost painful.

"No, he really didn't hurt me." I said, my voice was emotionless. His eyes went wide. I didn't mean to scare Edward by sounding lifeless, but I'm just- I'm so confused.

"I can't believe Carlisle is letting him stay." Edward was more frustrated than angry, surprising me. "I _saw _what he was thinking about. He's violent, Bella, and having him here is only going to cause harm." I sighed, suddenly feeling exhausted.

"He's not a bad person." Edward gave me a skeptical look, switching my mood to annoyance. "You don't seem to understand, _Edward_, I spent a day and half with him. You just had a glimpse into his head. I-" I stopped before I could say anymore.

"You what?" Edward asked sincerely, probably put off by my reaction.

"I think he's a good person who was just put into a very bad place. I saw his scars…" I felt tears sting my eyes and I wiped them away. "You have to help him. He just needs some guidance."

I could read Edward's expression easily. He didn't completely believe me, but he had enough faith in me to hear me out.

"I'll try... There just has to be a better way to do this... A way to keep you safe." I gave Edward a weak smile, just happy that he wasn't fighting me on this. I looked out the window, trying to clear my mind and push away the confusion.

The rest of the car ride was silent.

"We're here, Love." I glanced up. I was home… "Rose called Charlie and said you were staying over at our house, so don't worry about him." Edward helped me out of the car. "You should probably get some rest. I'm sure you haven't gotten any real sleep since he kidnapped you."

I nodded at Edward even though the sleep I got while leaning against Jasper- it was quiet possibly the most relaxing rest I've ever had.

But I can't tell Edward that. How could I ever tell anyone something as outlandish as that- Sleeping peacefully against my kidnapper.

Edward kissed me goodbye and I went into my house.

I could tell something had changed, but I wasn't sure what it was- Everything was different, yet when I looked around my room it all looked the same as it used to. I sighed and flopped down onto my bed.

I'm just so confused.

* * *

**What do you think of Bella's POV and of Edward's reaction? Do you think he was being unreasonable?  
**


	27. Hold my Tongue

**Ch27: Hold my Tongue**

**JPOV**

They lived in a mansion…

Glarry Merry Maria always wanted-

i miss Bella already. Why did I agree to this? This was a horrible idea!

_Trust Me._

How can i trust Me! i don't even know who I am.

And I'm talking to Carlisle, but i don't know what I'm saying.

i can't take this again! What if I take over like I did when Maria-

_I wasn't the only one in control. _

There were so many bodies, so much smoke, and the blood…

i tore them apart- all of them.

i should have saved them…

Why didn't I save them? WHY DIDN'T I SAVE THEM!?

I could have saved her- I could have saved them all! I could have let them get away-

_Don't think about that. i'm not ready for that. _

And now I'm in a room and i don't remember how I got here.

Carlisle was talking to Me again. How much time did i miss? Did I hurt someone! Did I hurt Bella!

If I-

but no. Carlisle is smiling and I'm nodding. He wouldn't be smiling if I hurt someone.

And then a door slammed. That boy was back. i could tell it was him by his tense emotions.

Carlisle frowned.

"I'll be right back." He said and left.

I sank down onto the chair and cradled my head.

The boy's frustration, his fear-

_Listen._

"I can't believe this is happening- even if Bella trusts him he shouldn't be here! He kidnapped Bella and you just welcome him into our house like he's a new neighbor! We can't just let him stay here. He's a threat to Bella and every human in this town!" He said loudly and i was on edge. i hated shouting.

He's right, he's right- I could have hurt her, i could have-

"I have to agree with Edward on this one." A female said. She was radiating fear in waves and i felt sick.

"Even Rose agrees with me!"

"I don't know, you guys. Something about him just makes me want to help him." Emmett said and the boy's frustration become more intense.

"You don't know what's going on in his head! He has _two _voices in his thoughts. I wasn't lying when I said he's insane. There has to be other solutions to this problem!"

"Edward, he didn't hurt Bella and he had all the chances in the world to do so." Another female voice said. Her trusting emotions startled me. She _cared _about me- she doesn't even know me.

i-i don't know how to feel about that-

Glarry Merry Maria didn't even trust Me and I killed her. If this women trusts Me- I could hurt her and-

"I know you want to help him." The boy said, this time in a calmer voice. "I can't fault you for that. If I didn't have Bella I would want to help him too, but she's my top priority." He sighed and seemed to be struggling with his words. "Can't you guys take him to the Denali's or at the very least teach him in a more secluded place, our house in North Dakota perhaps?" i couldn't understand this boy. i could feel his deep set fear- love and caring when he spoke Bella's name.

_He sees that I'm a threat to Bella... He's trying to protect her.  
_

i could tell I was holding something back from me, but i wasn't sure what it was.

_i missed the rest of the conversation. Carlisle is giving Me a chance. This is the best way. i better not screw this up for Me. i am not to speak aloud unless I say so. _

fine…

* * *

**I'm going to try and alternate their POVs from now on. What do you think of everyone's reaction to Jasper?  
**


	28. Second Hunt

**Ch28: Second Hunt**

They were taking Me on a hunt. I already know how to hunt. i the most noblest Jasper have hunted down and killed hundreds of vampires and i-

"It's not too complicated." Emmett said and I nodded. I was so charming. i'm so jealous of Me! i'm the worst- the most despicable in all the land, the-

And now I'm standing over a deer that has no blood in it. When did I-

"Are you alright, Jasper?" The motherly female asked me.

Oh god, her eyes! Her eyes-

i started weeping! Not those eyes please no- i'm so sorry! I should have been there for Lily. I should have let them go!

Why am i still alive? Why do i have to feel again?

i could have let those two go but instead I ripped them apart and burned them! I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and then I fucked Maria- and then-

And then a hand was on my back, trying to sooth me.

Her worry- just like Lily and my mother felt right before i left.

i promised her that i'd come back- but I didn't and now she's dead and i'm still alive- blemishing this world!

"Esme, I don't think you should touch him. His mind is all over the place. I've never heard such chaos. His thoughts are so minced that I can't even understand most of them." The boy said, but the hand was soothing, centering- like Bella's monotone-monochrome-single feelings. Where is she? i miss her so much! I miss her so much. It's like my heart is an ashtray with cigarettes constantly being snuffed out on it.

"I think it's helping." Esme whispered.

_Focus on her hand, how it calms me. _

So i did as I commanded. And it was grounding.

* * *

**A quick chapter I wrote while sleepy. Jasper had a bit of a breakdown... What do you think of Esme's effect on him? **


	29. Pup

**Ch29: Pup**

**BPOV**

Edward was trying to make me stay home and away from Jasper.

That poor wounded soul…

He just doesn't understand that I _need _to see Jasper. I trusted Carlisle to keep his word, but seeing was believing and Edward's constant blocking was only making me worry more.

For all I know he could be dead.

Edward wouldn't tell me anything about him. I knew he was trying to protect me from my kidnapper, but I had to see him.

How am I supposed to know that the Cullen family stuck to their promise of teaching him their diet?

He just needs a little guidance- someone to show him how his life can be. If they-

"You alright, Bells?" Charlie asked and I looked up from the food I was cooking, well I was actually burning it.

"I'm fine."

I'm working myself into a tizzy. If I could just see him everything would go back to normal. I wouldn't be having these weird thoughts-these weird feelings.

Edward is supposed to be my one and only, but I keep thinking about Jasper.

This is so freakin' wrong! He kidnapped me and I'm here mooning after him like- well I am a teenage girl, but that's beside the point.

I should hate him, fear him! He kidnapped me! He took me from my home, my family with the intention of- of what?

Jasper never said why he took me.

And we held hands…

It was very different than when I held hands with Edward.

With Edward I felt self conscious yet wanted, but with Jasper I felt… warm.

And now that I don't know if he's okay… I feel so cold… so empty.

I wish it was that split second of perfection again- that moment when I'd forgotten about my obligations to the human world- Charlie and Renee… when I forgotten I had a boyfriend… I had woken up leaning against Jasper… It had just been perfect... but in retrospect so wrong- he kidnapped me.

And freakin' Edward wouldn't let me see him! Like I'm a pup on a leash.

That's it! I don't care if he gets mad at me! I'm going over there and seeing Jasper. I grabbed my keys and-

"Bells, where are you going? Aren't you going to eat dinner with me?" Charlie was sitting at the table, fork and knife in hand. I blinked a few times in confusion.

"Yeah, I was just going to put my keys in my purse so I don't lose them again." I said, blushing as I lied. Charlie gave me a skeptical look before nodding.

Fifteen more minutes wouldn't hurt.

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**What do you think of this chapter?  
**


	30. Games

**Ch30: Games**

**JPOV**

_Bella's coming. _

How do I know that?

_I know because I know because I know because I know. _

oh, okay.

i was excited!

I'm so smart, if I had listened to me I'd have to kill the Cullen coven and Bella would hate me- but now! Bella gets to be happy and i get to see her!

"Why are you grinning?" The blond female- Rose asked. I smiled wider.

"These video games are fascinating." I said, but i did not agree. They were strange. How can such a thing exist?

"See Rosie, I told you he'd like them."

Not long after that Bella's single emotion of determination entered my range.

_See?_

I'm always right.

The boy walked down the stairs and made a point of not looking at me.

His gift... He's already given Me plenty of clues, but I have to be sure.

I'll figure it out… I always figure it out.

Emmett perked up when the sound of Bella's car entered our hearing range.

"What is she doing here?" Rose said with a hiss, making Me tense up.

Does she want Me to kill her?

Glarry Merry Maria-

"She just wants to see her boyfriend, Rosie." Emmett explained as I continued playing the incessant video game of car's racing.

Please i just want to see her.

Why am I still sitting here? I should be getting up- running to Bella.

The boy glared at me and I just raised my eyebrow at him even though i wanted to pull his throat out!

Does he want Me to kill him? To skin him? To pull out each of his teeth and shove them in his ears-

_Stop._

My eyes were on the screen, but i was watching the front door.

The stupid-impudent, pathetic, useless boy went out the door, ending my hope of seeing Bella.

His emotions turned to love, joy, worry, yet there was an undertone of annoyance.

Bella's one, focusing, calming, deep, all encompassing-emotion was determination. She was always very determined. i like that.

_She would have made an excellent soldier. _

no, no, no, no! i don't want to think about that.

_i'll have to think about it eventually- those times…_

"Bella what are you doing here? I thought I told you it's not safe here." The boy said in a soft tone and Bella's emotion switched to annoyance.

"I'm not a puppy that you can just order to sit and stay." Bella's voice was cold. "Anyways I want to play Mario kart with Emmett."

_Smart girl, she heard us playing, _

but how could she know it was Me playing and not just Emmett?

_She knows…_

"Love, you know _he's _in there."

i saw her finally as she brush by the boy and over to us.

"Hey." Bella said to us while looking at Emmett, but i could tell she was really saying it to me.

Rose was feeling suspicion and-

Last time i sensed that I killed glarry-

_Focus._

Bella was sitting on the couch, but the boy was sitting between us.

* * *

**What do you think?  
**


	31. Lap One

**Ch31: Lap one**

**BPOV**

The warmth was back and the confusion was gone as I steered Toad around the track. I was in fourth place, no surprise considering I'm playing against vampires.

Jasper was grinning like… like a madman… but that's just because he's winning.

"Dude, did you just growl?"Emmett asked in a booming voice and I glanced at him. He was looking at Edward.

"It's just a game, boy." Jasper said with his deep accent. I hated that Jasper was teasing him.

I heard a loud cracking noise and I looked over. There was a large dent in Edward's controller and he was frowning.

"Pushing the button harder is not going to make Luigi go any faster." Rose said teasingly. Despite her being a bitch to me sometimes she did know how to make me laugh when she called Edward out on acting childish.

Guilt overwhelmed me suddenly.

I leaned against Edward slightly, trying to discreetly comfort him as well as alleviate some of my guilt. I felt his shoulders sag a little as tension left them.

I shouldn't enjoy when my boyfriend gets belittled or teased- and I especially shouldn't be this happy just because I'm around the vampire that kidnapped me.

"You doing alright there, Bella?" Jasper asked right as his character crossed the finish line, winning the race. My emotion switched to happiness again.

"Yeah, I'm good." I said, damn my face for blushing.

I couldn't understand it. Why was he acting so differently? He seemed so chaotic when it had just been the two of us... but now he almost seemed normal.

"J-Man you never mentioned if you have a gift." Emmett said as he scrolled though the various courses.

"I suppose I didn't." Jasper didn't say anymore on the subject and I held back a frown. I didn't like that Jasper was holding something back from us all. I knew the Cullens were already wary of him considering he kidnapped me. If he just told them whatever it is that he's hiding I'm sure they'd trust him more.

"He does have a gift, he just hasn't told us what it is." Edward said in a frustrated voice.

"Edward, that's rude. Don't go digging into people's private thoughts." I scolded him and Emmett smirked.

"Bella he's-"

"If you say dangerous one more time…" I warned and Edward frowned again. I could tell this whole situation was stressing him. I tried to see things from his perspective: his girlfriend and and the man that kidnapped her were just feet apart with only him in between them. It had just been over a week since Jasper took me, but Edward was still frazzled from trying to track us down, worrying about my safety, and then finally confronting Jasper- not knowing if I was going to be alright…

It would be weird if he wasn't stressed and more protective than usual.

I'm sure it didn't help that I wouldn't really talk to him about what happened while Jasper had me. I just don't know what I could tell him: that I made a deal to do whatever Jasper told me to to save someone's life, that Jasper held my hand, that he treated me like I was delicate, or that I had fallen asleep while leaning against my kidnapper. I couldn't say any of that to him.

"Are you sure you're feeling alright?"Edward asked as he went to hold my hand.

"I said I'm good." I gave his hand a comforting squeeze. I felt guilty again for the stress I'm sure I caused by coming over here as well as my weird behavior. "Let's just keep racing."

* * *

**So Bella is feeling a little guilty for enjoying Edward being teased. What do you think of the chapter?  
**


	32. Lap Two

**Ch32: Lap Two**

**JPOV**

_"Edward, that's rude. Don't go digging into people's private thoughts."_

see! See! i told Me he has a gift.

He's digging into My thoughts. He knows! He knows everything!

and he's going to whisper all the horribly true things to Bella.

I should have never let them live! I'm the worst- the most disgusting –

_Pay attention, she's defending me. _

Lovely Bella, Beautiful monochrome, monopathos- evening, grounding Bella.

She'd look lovelier without that shirt… those pants…

i could picture her now…

The boy growled at me again. His anger, his fear- how i missed invoking those emotions in the weaklings that once surrounded me.

_Dig deeper into my mind and I'll give you quite the show. _

I started picturing countless vampires I had killed even some i'd forgotten about. i closed my eyes to the images.

The boy flinched.

"You're sick." He said quietly, too low for Bella to hear.

"What's that? I didn't hear you?" I said loudly. Bella looked at Me then the boy. He tossed his controller down before getting up in a huff and leaving.

Pathetic, absolutely useless. That boy wouldn't be worth a piece of shit in battle.

-running away just from a lil' teasing.

Even when i was a newborn i could have torn him to pieces- i the most noblest-

"Bella, why don't you sit a bit closer? I'm not going to bite." I said suavely.

"Dude, not cool. They're dating." Emmett was feeling protective and suspicion.

"What? It's so she can see the TV more clearly."

"Yeah, right. If that's the case she can have my seat. It's the best spot in the house."

"You guys are so childish. I'm fine where I am." Bella was embarrassed, but not blushing as we started another race.

"I'm fine with you trying to seek redemption for kidnapping her, but this isn't the way." Emmett said in a whisper. "Bella's a good girl and I consider her my sister. I'm one of your allies here, but if you keep trying to mess with Bella that will change."

Is that a threat? i can't handle threats- when Glarry Merry Maria threatened to pull my dick off if-

"I understand."

* * *

**Do you think Jasper was fighting dirty? What do you think of Jasper's flirting? Of Emmett's threat?  
**


	33. Lap Three

**Sorry for the delay! I was out of the state. **

* * *

**Ch33: Lap Three**

**BPOV**

I really wanted to scoot closer to Jasper, lean against him again like when we were in the car.

Uck, this is so weird!

Maybe this was his gift? Some sort of animalistic attraction…

Jasper frowned suddenly, even though he was in first place again in the race. I looked around and Emmett was also frowning as Rose scowled. I hated when vampires did this, whispering and talking about me even though I'm sitting right here.

So annoying.

"Jasper, how is your new diet treating you?" I asked and his red eyes met my brown ones making me nervous, not because of the color, but because it was him.

"Animal blood taste worse than rotten human blood mixed with swill, but so far it's treating me fine. I need to drink a bit more than usual to quench the thirst, but I'm sure you'll know all about it eventually." My heart started racing as I thought about the likelihood of Edward changing me. He seemed to sense my change in mood. "You and the boy haven't set a date for the change?" Edward and I argued on and off about it and just thinking about the situation made me feel horrible- like he doesn't love me the way he says he does. If he didn't change me I don't know what I'd do. I can't stand the thought of me growing old and feeble as he stayed young and perfect, the thought of him watching me die, then having to live for eternity with just that memory. "Tsk, tsk, tsk that sounds like poor long-term planning on his part- or does he just not have the control for it? It's really not that difficult-" Jasper seemed to cut himself off.

"You've changed humans before?" I asked hopefully. His expression changed for a split second to pain.

"Unfortunately… but before you start considering using that to your advantage- it's not my place to get in between you and your _boyfriend_." The way he said boyfriend seemed to belittle the meaning of it. I couldn't bring myself to care about his belittlement of our relationship though.

My eyes drifted back to the TV. Emmett and Jasper had already crossed the finish line even though I was only on my second lap in the game.

My thoughts kept circling around Jasper changing me instead of Edward or Carlisle- and what had he meant by saying it was unfortunate that he'd changed others.

How he was acting now and when he first kidnapped me was just so different and I couldn't help but wonder…

"Jasper… don't take this the wrong way, but are you bipolar?"

* * *

***Insert facepalm here* What do you think of this chapter and Bella's last line?  
**


	34. Finish Line

**Ch34: Finish Line**

**JPOV**

I completely froze, even though i had no idea what Bella was asking.

But for some reason I knew what the term 'bipolar' meant.

"I wouldn't say that i'm bipolar, more so continuously working through difficulties." I explained while smiling nicely.

continuously working through – What am I talking about?

Why do I always keep things from me- what else do I know that i don't know. i can remember bits and pieces of what happened between plucking Glarry Merry Maria's head from her shoulders and meeting Bella- but so much must have happened in that time.

The flowers! Oh god- don't tell me I burnt down the flowers! Lily is-

"You were talking to yourself the whole time you held me captive."

"Perhaps if you lived as long as I have alone you'd do the same."

Bella's emotion switched to suspicion.

See! Now look what I did!

I'm the worst- I should have never given her back to the Cullens-

I sighed and Bella's suspicion increased.

"When those surrounding you range from manically-desperate to sociopathicly-determined it's best to retreat into one's own mind rather than be constantly bombarded with the insanity of others." I explained while moving slightly closer to Bella. i could feel Rose's and Emmett's confusion and curiosity. They saw all My scars, but they didn't know how I got them. "So pardon me if on occasions I whisper a comforting word to myself- for the mind of a vampire is inherently perfect when it comes to recalling memories- lending to the problem of unpleasant situations replaying in my head and drawing parallels between the peace of now and chaos of then." As I spoke Bella kept leaning closer to me, completely captivated by My complicated explanation that i didn't even understand. I brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear and she pulled back suddenly, embarrassment overtaking her confusion. Emmett growled at me quietly for touching her. "So no, Bella, I am not bipolar."

"What happened to you?" She asked sadly after the embarrassment switched to a dark curiosity- the kind that killed the cat-skinned it-chewed it- then fed it to its kittens-

"Hell. That's what happened to me-and for a while I was the Devil himself."

* * *

**This is my favorite chapter so far. What do you think of his explanation? **


	35. Cold

**Reminder: Bella is not Edward's singer in this fic. **

**AN: Next few weeks are going to be busy. No guarantees that I'll be able to update properly. **

* * *

**Ch35: Cold**

**BPOV**

Almost immediately after Jasper's vague statement Edward reappeared- insisting that it was late for a school night and that I should go home.

I was so caught up in my thoughts trying to figure out what could have possibly happened to Jasper that I merely nodded and followed Edward to my car.

The drive back was silent and I could tell that Edward was stressed.

The coldness was back…

He has so many scars… Even when I held his hand I could feel the jagged edges covering every part of his skin.

Emmett had told me how painful the initial bite was to a human, but would the venom of one vampire burn another?

I wanted to know, but I knew if I asked Edward he would become upset.

I doubt the scars Jasper has on his arms and hands are the only ones he has…

"Are you alright?" Edward asked, pulling me out of my musings. I glanced around. We were in my driveway.

"Yeah, I'm alright." I moved to open the door, but Edward grabbed my hand, stopping me.

"Love, I know I seemed a bit harsh back there, but please remember that I can see inside his head. I know all the horrible things he thinks about- and the way he thinks about you just infuriates me. He just pictures over and over again how it would look if he did horrible things to you." Edward sighed. "I just don't want him to fool you into thinking he's a good guy or something. He's not like my family. Jasper knows how to charm humans into doing whatever he wants them to do and I have a feeling that he uses his gift to manipulate them." I was stunned. As much as I wanted not to believe him, Edward was making sense. "I was so scared for you when I found out you were missing, and that fear only became worse when I found out it was a vampire who took you.

"I blamed myself for him kidnapping you." Edward said and I gasped. I could see the pain in his eyes even though he was trying not to show it. "I thought that he must have taken you because my scent was all around this place, because I selfishly pulled you into this hidden world- and him being here, in my home, just keeps reminding me that I almost lost you- it's like a reoccurring nightmare. Every time I see his face I feel that panic all over again like he's kidnapped you again."

"Oh Edward," I whispered while brushing my hand down his cheek, "you don't have to worry. I'm right here. Jasper won't try and kidnap me again."

"I pray that you're right." Edward looked towards my house. It was getting pretty late for a school night.

"Goodnight Edward." I said quietly. He leaned over and gave me a chaste kiss before disappearing and reappearing, opening my door. I gave him a small smile before exchanging 'I love yous'.

I just have to keep reminding myself that Jasper kidnapped me and even though he didn't hurt me he would have eventually.

Yet… I still felt cold inside.

* * *

**What do you think of Edward's explination?  
**


	36. Reinforce

**Ch36: Reinforce**

**JPOV**

"Seriously Dude, don't mess with Bella." Emmett reiterated after the lovely, centering Bella was coerced into leaving.

"I was just answering her question." I said even though i was squirming.

"You touched her." He said in a dark voice as he stood up. i wanted to tear him apart for- Years! Years! Years of slaughter- and he had the nerve-

"Em, I don't think you should threaten him." Rosalie whispered while looking at Me. Her anxiety and fear was back full force. Baby Fear-

At least the fractured, tormented female knew-

"It's okay Rosalie. He's right. I shouldn't have touched her." I said against my will. As I spoke she seemed to shy away from Me. "After all... I am the big, bad vampire that kidnapped her." I joked, but when neither of them laughed I became serious again. "I'll try to refrain henceforth."

i wanted to stab Myself, Self- immolation, evisceration-leaving behind nothing but me!

_I'm just placating them so stop making threats- or I'll really hurt me…_

i'll stop…

_Good, just remember that the more they trust me the more likely it is for them to let me see Bella. Now, pay attention._

I was sitting in Carlisle's office. He had a grim frown on his face and was very much looking like an authority figure.

i hate authority figures and I loved killing them or did i love killing them?

Why was he frowning?

If they try and keep me from Bella I'll kill him, I'll kill them all!

"Of course, as I told Emmett and Rosalie I won't bother Bella."

Carlisle was feeling suspicion and fatigue.

"I never asked, but what made you choose Bella to kidnap?"

i blanched for a second. Why had I done that again?

"Her blood is oddly alluring. I knew there were others of my kind around, so I scooped her up and was going to kill her once I felt I was far enough away." i could feel My eyes darken even though Mistress Thirst wasn't with Me. "I promise I won't kidnap her again." Carlisle doubted Me so I smiled in what I knew was a charming manner. His doubt didn't lessen though.

"I also have to ask…" Carlisle hesitated. "Are you _the _Jasper from the Southern Wars?"

the? The! THE!

How can he doubt My magnificent! My most noblest title, _The _Major! _The_ vampire above all others, _The _destroyer of armies! Of Maria! Feeder of Mother Fire-

_Should I intimidate him?_

No-

"Yes, is that going to be a problem for you?" I said while leaning forward slightly. I was surprised when he was only slightly scared. It quickly mixed with determination and resolve.

"It's only a problem if you're not planning to stick to this diet. Do you plan to stick to it? Or are you here for other reasons?"

This male has balls! Talking to Me like this!

He knows who I am!

i should feed him to Mother Fi-

"i want this lifestyle. i want to stop killing-slaying. I'm-i'm just so tired of all the death." I said.

Carlisle's suspicion completely dissipated, but i couldn't tell if I was speaking the truth.

* * *

**What do you think of the last line?  
**


	37. Musings

**I still don't have internet on my comp, so I'm updating from my phone. Sorry if I didn't get to your review! (Typing on this thing is uber hard)**

* * *

**Ch37: Musings**

**BPOV**

It was near the end of the school day when my teacher sent me to the library to print out worksheets for homework. As I was strolling into the library I spotted Edward. I'd forgotten that his last class was a free study hour. He looked bored out of his mind with one arm propping up his head as he looked through a textbook. I was surprised he hadn't notice me yet.

"Something on your mind?" I asked, startling him.

"You mean other than everyone else's minds?" He smiled happily at me as I sat beside him.

"Yeah, other than that." I leaned against his shoulder, enjoying his scent. "You're tense. When was the last time you hunted?" I whispered to him.

"I'm not thirsty. It's just…" As he spoke I could feel his voice reverberating in his chest. "My gift is useful, but I hate that I can't turn off. Even the mundane thoughts of our classmates become a burden considering they're the same thing times a few hundred students every day. And then-" He stopped speaking and I looked up at him.

"And then?" I prompted him.

"It's nothing you want to hear about. You know I don't like burdening others with my problems."

"Don't be silly. If something is stressing you out I want to know about it." I said while squeezing his hand. He looked at his textbook, not answering immediately. "Edward…" I nudged him.

"And then the thoughts that I'm subjected to when I'm at home." He sighed and I felt dread pool inside my stomach. "Esme always have such light and warm thoughts. Emmett's thoughts are always easy going- he loves you like a sister." Edward smiled, but that quickly faded away. "Rose is a good person, but she doesn't feel the need to act that way, and sometimes she thinks rude things to spite me even though she knows I can't turn off my gift. Carlisle is hardly ever home so I don't really get the chance to talk to him as often as I'd like to. And to top it all off- Jasper's thoughts…" Edward sighed again. "I don't know if we'll actually be able to help him." I felt disheartened by this news.

"Well, if anyone can help him it's you all. I have no solution for your Rose problem, but if you miss Carlisle than you should invite him on a hunting trip and have some father-son bonding time. I'm sure he'd be more than happy to go with you." I stood up after giving him a quick peck on the cheek. "I have to make copies of this before Mrs. Berkley hunts me down. Love you." We waved goodbye to each other before he went back to looking at his book.

As I programmed the printer I started feeling antsy. It had been three days since I last saw Jasper and Edward just mentioning him made me want to see him.

I understood that Jasper kidnapping me was wrong, but that fact just seemed so arbitrary now. Everything seemed arbitrary.

This life used to be everything I wanted- An awesome boyfriend, lots of friends, and good grades. Now my mind just keeps rolling back to that man.

The things that would usually made me happy, like unexpectedly seeing Edward at school, just seemed so commonplace now.

Perhaps I'm just some sort of danger junky. Having a vampire as my 'significant other' was never a factor, at least consciously to me, but maybe subconsciously I thrive off danger.

I mean seriously, I came to bum-fuck nowhere and ended up dating the most dangerous guy in the area.

Now that a bigger badder threat entered the mix I'm suddenly less enthralled by Edward and all doe-eyed for a guy I don't even really know.

Maybe I'm the insane one?

* * *

**What do you think of her danger junky idea? Do you like the last line?  
**


	38. Time and Time Again

**Ch38: Time and Time Again**

**JPOV**

Time was passing again, i could tell, but I wouldn't let me know how much.

i got the feeling that I was laying in wait, playing the part of struggling newborn.

Playing a part like I used to in camp when Maria-

_i always knew this was a strategy to get what I want, what i want. _

i knew nothing of a sort! I'm so stupid!

What is it i want? All i want is red and being here is subjecting me to sub par-

_Now, now, don't play coy. i know exactly what i want. _

Bella! Bella! Bella! i haven't seen her in forever and it's all My fault!

_Calm down-_

Forever! Forever! Forever! Days, nights! Years, seconds! The sands of time-

Blood thirst- vampiric sand- drinking and drinking.

_It's only been five days. _

oh, well how many more days till i can see her again? Can't I just kidnap her again? i want Bella! I want Bella! Why am I still sitting here?

Wait? When did I get into this room- Why is Esme talking to me?

Her emotions were caring, it was disgusting-

_Be nice to Esme. She's a kind lady. Reminds me of flowers-_

No, no, no!

_Undisturbed by appearances, only caring about what's on the inside, emotional well being…_

Too many long words! Why am I talking in riddles? i-

_Sometimes I can't believe how pathetic i am. _

so mean… i just want to see Bella.

_Lucky, lucky, lucky. _

And then Bella was in the room. I had heard her coming, but i hadn't. And she was talking to Esme, but she kept gravitating towards Me, slowly.

It took Bella an hour to move from one side of the kitchen to the barstool next to Me, all the while talking to Esme about school.

Her emotion was a steady warmth that made Me smile and me feel calm, centered.

There was a pause in their conversation and Bella turned towards Me.

"So Jasper, how is the change in lifestyle going? Kidnap anyone recently?"

* * *

**What do you think of Bella's most recent facepalm moment? **


	39. Pause

**Ch39: Pause**

**BPOV**

I wanted to rewind time, if only to just a few minutes ago. I can't believe I said that. Why did I always ask him such tactless questions automatically?

_"Kidnap anyone recently?"_

Jasper had completely frozen when I let that one slip.

"I-I was just kidding." He still didn't move. I glanced at Esme. "Is there a remote around here so I can unpause him?" I half joked while laughing nervously. Jasper took in a large gasp of air, startling me before he let out a deep, rumbling laugh. My panicked emotion eased to calmness.

"No Bella, you're the only one I've ever kidnapped." The way he said it almost sounded romantic and I blushed brightly. His murky red eyes locked me in place. Why did being in his presence always give me this weird feeling? "So lovely…" Jasper said softly. The heat increased and I felt light headed.

A throat being cleared startled me.

I looked up to see Esme. The look on her face was enough to make me feel ashamed for looking at Jasper. I'm in a relationship, after all.

"You were telling me about your calculus test, dear?" Esme prompted.

"Umm, yeah it was really difficult. Mrs. Lowax didn't even teach us half the things on the test." I said, half-heartedly. I was still focused on trying to figure out this emotion.

"Well that's rather irresponsible of her. Are you sure you just weren't taking good notes with Edward there to distract you?" I forced out a laugh at her teasing.

"Actually I studied from his notes since they're-" A cold hand on my knee startled me. I took a sip of water and tried not to look at the man sitting beside me. "-they're more detailed than mine." Luckily Esme was on the other side of the bar so she couldn't see where Jasper's hand was lingering motionlessly. Despite his low temperature, his hand almost felt like it was heating up my flesh.

I was reminded of when we held hands. The temptation to lace my fingers through his was monumental.

"I'm glad you two work so well together." Esme said bemusedly. Just having this subtle physical connection with Jasper again was making my mind go blank. I could just imagine his hand moving steadily up my leg, what those long fingers could do... "Edward's a lucky boy to have a girl like you." Just with those few words I was snapped back to reality.

"I should probably be heading home to start dinner." I said even though I wanted to stay, wanted to be closer to _him_. My hand made its way to his. Without thought I squeezed his hand lightly before moving it off my knee and leaving.

* * *

**So Jasper may have scared her off a bit. What do you think?  
**


	40. Touch

**Ch40: Touch**

**JPOV**

Touch, touch, touch. i can't believe I touched her.

_And she touched Me back_

i just want her so much…

_She'll be mine soon._

mine, mine, mine!

_But first, i and I need to reconcile. _

Reconcile? But I and i haven't fought in years. It's like we're best friends, or brothers.

_i really have no idea what i'm talking about, do i? _

i the most noblest, deadliest, knowledgeable Major Whitlock knows exactly what i'm talking about!

I sighed.

"What's wrong dear?" Esme asked. Her emotions were annoyingly motherly. i don't need such feelings directed at me. i have lived through enough atrocities to no longer need a mother.

_I did horrible things and so did i. I can only keep up this act for so long. i'll crack and-_

WHAT IS IT I WANT? I keep on talking and talking, yet not saying anything! i just want Bella and if I can't get her i'll do it myself!

_CALM DOWN. As long as I and i work together and remember-_

"Jasper, Jasper? Are you alright?"

Someone unexpectedly touched My shoulder and it took all I had not to attack them.

Why aren't I attacking?! Kill her, kill her, kill her!

_No._

"Sorry my thoughts strayed." I said while smiling nicely to Esme. She immediately relaxed and stepped away from me. "And for future reference please, for your own safety, don't touch me when I'm in a daze. That's when my protective instincts are at their highest point." A tendril of fear laced its way through her emotions.

Baby Fear-

_Being around Bella has made me too insistent. Do I need to take action against me? _

no, please don't…

And Esme was talking again and i couldn't be bothered to listen.

i retreated into nothingness.

* * *

**I really like this scene. What do you think of his reaction to Esme's touch? Was she foolish to touch his shoulder?  
**


	41. Arguements

**Ch41: Arguments**

**BPOV**

"Bella, I can't believe you went back there while I was hunting." Edward said to me while growling. He sighed when I backed away from him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to growl at you." He sat down in the rocking chair and cradled his head while I stood awkwardly in the middle of my room. "Do you really not understand how dangerous Jasper is?" He sounded exasperated.

I can't believe he's scolding me like a kid.

"Oh my god, Edward! I'm alive aren't I?" For some reason his scolding was getting to me. "Why do you hate him so much?" I asked before biting my tongue. That was a really stupid question on my part.

"Why do I- why- He kidnapped you! I love you and he abducted you, he made me think you were dead- I didn't know what he was doing to you- if he was-" Edward was exasperated and his attitude was making me angry.

"I forgave him, Edward. So you should too." He didn't seem to take my stern tone seriously.

"You don't have to hear his thoughts constantly. He's not sane. I'd feel a lot better if you stayed away from him."

"Well I'd feel a lot better if you stopped pretending to be my father." I instantly felt bad when Edward completely blanched. I sighed. "Why can't you just trust my judgment?" I said in a much softer voice.

"I'm trying so hard to trust you, but every time I do even for just a second I hear his thoughts and- and I just can't believe that he's safe. His thoughts are so violent…"

"We all think about bad things- I think about bad things too, but that doesn't mean I act on them…"

"There's a big difference between you thinking about smacking Jessica and him thinking about how much he misses feeling bones snap…" I looked at Edward again. I could clearly see the worry etched on his face.

"His thoughts… they can't be that bad."

"They normally aren't, but ones like that do slip through. You said he talked to himself when he was holding you hostage. You could only hear one side, but now that he's internalized that- I'm bombarded by both sides. His disjointed conversations…" Edward sighed and looked tired. I sat in his lap and hugged him, feeling the same way. A minute later he let out a humorless laugh. "I actually feel like I'm the one going crazy."

"You're not crazy. I understand why you don't want me to be around him." I snuggled closer to him and he started massaging my back. It was soothing and made me think of how we used to be before Jasper took me away. The only thing we ever argued about was my possible change into a vampire.

"I don't hate him." Edward whispered.

"What?"

"You said I hate him, I don't. I want to pity him, to feel bad for him for all the horrible things I'm sure he went through, but it's hard to when his thoughts... Jasper has had a really hard life." He was struggling for words. "Sometimes his memories are so clear that I feel like I'm there, like I'm the one on the battle field ripping apart vampires and watching the people I've trained die right in front of me. I know it's selfish and stupid, but I don't like thinking about him because quiet frankly around him I either feel scared for you, anger for what he's done, or depressed from the images in his head." He sighed while leaning his head on my shoulder. "I'm amazed that he can function at all. It all seems like it is too much for one person to handle... his chaos. I just don't know what to do when I'm around him."

"I know…" I said while looking at him. His eyes were dark and sad. Hearing Edward admit that just made me feel sick. I knew almost nothing about Jasper and who he actually was. He's unknown to me, yet I still feel, this emotion- and that mixture is so scary. It made no sense and that just made me feel worse. Edward held me tighter so I gave him a brief kiss, still in my own thoughts. "I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

**What do you think of their conversation?  
**


	42. Lost in the Woods

**Ch42: Lost in the Woods**

**JPOV**

Why am I hunting again? It's hardly been any time- Obviously I have no idea what I'm doing because Mistress Thirst-

_It's been a week and a half since I fed. These animals don't feed Me as well as humans did._

Then let me kill a few humans!

_No-_

Wait, how long was i out?

_… A while._

And I just let me sleep! Let me fade into nothingness- Do I hate me so much that I'm set on murdering me! i won't stand for it-

_Don't blame Me for my need to hide. i'm completely pathetic. If not for Me- Uck. That's not what we need to talk about right now-_

Then what is it I want! Constantly shouting and belittling me! All the years i spent slowly dying while I killed all of Merry-Glarry-

_Oh spare Me the theatrics! I was there. We both know what happened. Just listen for one fucking second.  
_

_I need me to cooperate right now. There are memories that are going to hurt me, ones that will keep coming to the front of my mind randomly until i do something about them._

…what do I want me to do?

_There are two memories in particular that will bring Me to My knees if i don't work with Me. _

please, please, please- i don't want to think about her.

_I know that Lily would forgive me-_

I fell down.

"No, please no!" i whispered as i started weeping.

_I did some research on this thing called the internet while i was on vacation. Lily lived a nice long life. i remember Walter right? He was our best friend. Well Lily-_

i don't want to know!

_She married him and they had three kids. _

…really?

_Would I lie to me?_

No.

_And guess what they named their first kid?_

What?

_They named him Jasper._

And then i broke down.

"No she couldn't have-she must have hated me! Why would she do that?"

_Because Lily loved me, even though I left despite her begging Me not to join the army._

"i can't believe it- i should have been there to walking her down the aisle- when they baptized little Jasper! i-"

_She loved me that's all that matters. i and I know Lily could never hold a grudge. Remember when i ruined her favorite dress on accident? She was mad at me for half a day before we were both back to laughing as we did our chores-_

"Dude, what are you doing?" A voice startled Me and me. I looked up from the ground. Emmett was standing with a concerned look on his face even though he was feeling panicked, uncertain, and scared with only a tinge of worry-

Too many emotions!

I stood up and brushed the dirt off the clothes the Cullens had given me.

"Sorry, I got completely lost in my own thoughts." Emmett emotions eased to a slightly off calm.

"So you decided to curl up in a ball in the middle of nowhere? You are by far the weirdest vampire I've ever met." He laughed nervously and I could only stare blankly at him. "Come on, lets head home."

Home? i lost that place long ago.

But still I followed him anyways- because that's what I had to do to get Bella to be mine.

* * *

**What do you think of Emmett's handling of the situation? Was he being rude or was he just out of his element? What do you think of Jasper's discovery about his sister?**


	43. Tea

**Ch43: Tea for Two  
**

**BPOV**

"Oh my god, Edward! Your mom invited me over for tea. I'm not going to stand her up just because you don't want me near Jasper." I said, feeling completely exasperated as I did my hair. I could see him in the mirror sitting on my bed frowning and looking very stressed.

"You shouldn't have accepted her invitation if you didn't want to stand her up." Edward mumbled, probably thinking I couldn't hear him.

"Grow up and if you have something to say then say it like a man instead of just whispering it like a scared child." Edward's eyes went wide at my words. l sighed. Even if he was being an idiot it was wrong to talk to anyone like that. "Sorry, that was too harsh."

"No, you're right. I don't know why, but when it comes to you… I become irrational." From his seated position he fell backwards onto my bed and covered his face with his hands. I laid down beside him and looked at the ceiling. "I'm sorry. I hate when I act like this."

"Well… at least you are aware of the problem." I said halfheartedly. Edward turned to look at me. His eyes were dark butterscotch and he did look rather sad. I pulled him close and gave him a gentle kiss. His eyes darkened further. I knew it was silly, but I loved knowing that I had an effect on him. "How do I look?" I asked while standing up. I spun around slowly and my long skirt flared up slightly. Edward was instantly at my side.

"You look absolutely stunning." He leaned down and began kissing me with more passion than I was used to. I felt my whole body heat up as he pushed me against my dresser, pinning me as we kissed. I guess I effected him more than I thought. He let go of me and I bit my bottom lip, wanting more of him than he was willing to give.

"For a second there I thought you were going to try to seduce me into staying." I said teasingly.

"I considered it." His joking tone matched mine. "Come on, if you insist on going to my house I'll drive." He held out his arm for me and I laced my arm through his while giggling. He could be such a gentleman sometimes, when he's not being irrational at least.

The drive was pleasant and reminded me of the good times before Jasper started warping my priorities and feelings.

When we pulled into the driveway I felt silly for glancing around in hopes of seeing Jasper. Edward opened the door for me and with more effort than I expected I made myself not run into the house. If he wasn't here I don't know what I'll do. It's been so long since I've seen him, or at least that's how it feels.

I spotted him in the kitchen with Esme. It looked like she was comforting him. I stepped forward to ask if he was alright, but something about his posture made me stop in my tracks. Esme patted him once on the shoulder before saying something. He nodded before heading toward the side door. He looked backwards giving me a heartbreaking glance before going outside.

"Is he alright?" I asked.

"He will be, one day." Esme said quietly. She glanced over my shoulder. "Sorry Edward, but this is an exclusive tea party, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Esme smiled at him and Edward laughed before heading upstairs.

* * *

**I just finished my other story Nighttime Patrons of the Arts! Check it out!  
**

**What do you think of Esme's comment on Jasper? What do you think they were talking about? **


	44. Quibble

**Ch44: Quibble**

**JPOV**

Telling Esme about my sister had been oddly therapeutic.

_That is why I did it._

I make it sound like I planned it…

_That's because I did. If I can make Esme pity me she'll be less likely to oppose... She's just a tool to get what I want- a stupid, foolish tool.  
_

No she's not! And I didn't plan this, I'm so full of shit- full of lies- flies, ties, pies, rise, cries-

_Stop-_

- taking the accomplishment for something that was completely coincidence! i won't stand for such lies in My head!

_Well I am lying down by these flowers, so of course i won't stand-_

oh, i guess that makes sense…

So why did I leave when Bella entered the room? That was stupid of Me, I could have stayed and-

_That wasn't the time nor the place- my best strategy is to wait. Bella will come to Me eventually- she'll beg for me. Thinking of which… the boy is coming and he's not happy. _

i tuned into his emotions. They were furious yet saddened.

It's not my fault that you keep digging around my thoughts. Of course you're not going to like what i'm thinking about.

I started picturing Bella in various compromising positions

The boy jumped out of a window on the third floor.

I don't think Esme will like you landing on her flower bed.

They were smashed on his impact and for some reason this made Me furious.

"You are testing My restraint right now, boy." I growled out while standing up.

"And you're testing mine. Don't you dare take advantage of Esme's kindnesses, and Bella is a good person. You shouldn't think of her as a sex object, and which part of her and I being in a relationship don't you understand?" He said, but didn't move closer to me.

"I think you're the one misunderstanding. What Bella does and doesn't do is no concern of yours." I said, ignoring the part about Esme. "Bella is a big girl. You make it sound like if she decided to leave you then you'd force her to stay." I bated him while raising one of my eyebrows, daring him to say something in his defense.

"She'd never do that." His words were twisted with growls, but I could feel the fear the thought of her leaving invoked in him.

"I have a keen insight on relationships. Don't doubt me when I say she will leave you." I grinned. I could feel him breaking, so weak. "So when she does will you play the role of monster and kidnap her or step down graciously?"

"I'd never-she'd never-"

"What about when she finds someone new?" _When she makes love to me, moans my name in ecstasy_- he lunged at Me, but I easily sidestepped him. "Don't kill the messenger." I teased as he stood back up. Completely pathetic.

"You don't know her like I do." The boy whispered under his breath.

_I know she'll leave you and come straight to Me. And then she'll beg Me, beg and beg and beg Me to fuck her-_

"You bastard!" He ran towards me and swiped. I hopped backwards, unphased.

"What are you doing, Edward?" Carlisle said loudly from above us. I kept My eyes focused on the boy though.

"He-" The boy started explaining like a scolded child.

"I heard the whole thing. You need to go cool your head off."

"But-"

"Go for a run." Carlisle ordered, reminding me that he was the leader of this coven. The boy growled at his leader before taking off into the forest. If i had ever growled at Merry Glarry Maria like that she would have- "Jasper," Carlisle sighed, "don't antagonize Edward. He's already stressed enough with you being here."

"Sorry." I said even though i was panicking.

See! See what I did now! Carlisle will definitely kick Me out and away from Bella.

_Be quite. He knows he has no power over Me. He requests because he knows he cannot order. _

Then I should-

_No, he's a good man. I won't kill him. Anyways, Bella would hate Me if I did._

oh, okay… I shouldn't think about Bella like that, so crudely, she doesn't deserve to be thought of like that…i don't like fighting like that. He loves her.

_I don't give a damn if he loves her or not. This is a battle he will not win. If anything finishing this quickly is a mercy to him. And don't talk to Me about people getting what they deserve. None of those newborns deserved to die, i didn't deserve to live, but that's how it turned out._

_Don't be a fool. If there is one thing that bitch taught us it is that life isn't fair. _

i know…

i felt myself shrinking inwards as I laid back down by the flowers.

i just really want Bella.

_I know. Just wait. _

* * *

**What do you think of Edward's and Jasper's argument? Still think Jasper is playing fair?  
**


	45. Muffins

**Ch45: Muffins**

**BPOV**

Tea with Esme was always so calming. She listened to my trivial stories about the petty things that happened in high school. Our time together ended too soon though. It was getting late and I still hadn't finished my homework.

Esme was packing me up the leftover muffins as I put my teacup in the sink. I was tempted to wash it, but knew she'd just scold me for it, stating that it was her job. Esme gave me a kiss on the cheek. I started heading for the stairs to say goodbye to Edward.

"Sorry Bella, Edward had to step out earlier for a hunt and he's not back yet." Esme explained as I put on my coat.

"Oh, thanks. I'll just head back home then." I said while grabbing the muffins and my purse. Luckily Edward had put my keys back.

"Drive safely." She said in parting.

"Only because you asked!" I shouted back as I walked out the door. I could faintly hear her sigh, making me laugh.

For some reason my eyes drifted to the left and landed on a very tranquil looking Jasper. I've never seen him look so… calm.

I could feel my emotion of wanting to be near him debating with my logic that was telling me to go home. I tottered on the step slightly, thinking. I did have a lot of homework left, but I guess I could do it later... Edward really doesn't trust Jasper, but he just doesn't understand him. I know he won't hurt me… I shouldn't let Edward's prejudices stop me from being a nice person. It would be rude of me not to say hello, especially since we both know I see him.

Good, decision made.

I walked over to him. The sun was setting, basking him in the glow of the porch lights, but that didn't take away from how handsome he looked laying next to a bed of petunias and pansies.

His eyes flashed open. They looked brown from the mixture of red and gold.

I felt embarrassed; hopefully I hadn't been staring at him for too long. He gave me a devilish smile and my embarrassment switched to desire. He patted the spot next to him and I couldn't stop myself from sitting next to him.

"Enjoy your tea party?" Jasper asked while closing his eyes again. He looked so relaxed.

"Yeah, I love Esme and she brews the best tea." I said, not really paying attention to my own words.

"Good, I'm glad." His eyes cracked open and I looked away quickly. He chuckled. "She truly is a light in the darkness." Jasper's voice was quite and I wasn't sure if I heard him correctly. "The clouds are dissipating." I looked up, he was right. "You probably can't see it but hundreds of meteors are burning up in the sky tonight as they fall to earth." I squinted hard. A few minutes later I started seeing them as the last rays of the sun were hidden behind the horizon.

"Wow." I said as they slowly became clearer in the night sky. I laid down beside him, just watching the flashes as they quickly burned then disappeared. I've never seen so many before.

"One day you'll be able to fully see how amazing they look, of course there are more beautifully things in this world worth seeing." I glanced towards Jasper feeling curiosity only for my emotion to switch to embarrassment then lust when I saw that he was staring at me instead of the sky.

The sound of a car on the gravel driveway caught my attention, breaking my trance.

"I'll see you later, Jasper." I said feeling completely embarrassed as Rose and Emmett parked by my truck, like I was just caught in the act of doing something I shouldn't be doing.

"Don't forget your bread." He held up the small bag Esme and given me. I scurried back to him while blushing.

"They're called muffins." I said as I took them from him, our skin just barely touching. He just grinned and I ran off.

* * *

**Too... much fluff *dies* Did you like the fluff? What do you think of their interaction?  
**


	46. Crazy?

**Ch46: Crazy?**

**JPOV**

"Really? Come on now!" Emmett said once beautiful Bella drove away, away, away from… Me. He really believed that Edward and Bella were meant for each other. How naïve.

"I was just laying here and she walked over. I neither lured her nor did any nefarious deeds to her. If you had walked over and said hello the way she did I would have invited you to sit as well." I glanced up back to the sky. "Speaking of which, would you two like to join me in watching these meteors meet their doom. If you breathe in deeply you can even smell the very faint scent of them sizzling into dust as they smash against the atmosphere." I closed my eyes and smelled the world around me. Bella's alluring scent still clung to the earth where she had sat, Emmett and Rose had a sweet scent, and the forest had its own smell. Below all the other scents though was the sharp scent of rocks being incinerated.

_i am not very good at listening._ I scolded.

What did i do?

_Look around._

i glanced at My surroundings. Emmett and his wifey were gone.

_While i fell back into my thoughts I had to fend off his questions before he finally went inside. _

How long did i miss?

i could feel my anxiety scraping inside of me as i looked around. It was at least midnight. So many hours just slipped through my fingers.

"What happened?" i whispered to myself.

_i've always been prone to fading out of this world and into nothingness, though normally i only do it when i'm stressed… This is a rather worrisome event. _

Surely it was just a fluke! i, his majesty, the God of War does not fade- to fade is to slowly become nothing! The very thought is impossible! i am the furthest from nothing!

_I think it's time for another attempt at reconciliation. _

What! But-no, i- I just had another one. i don't want to go through that pain- that agony! Torture! Thousands of spears going through my skin and into my flesh!

_The way i and I tore countless apart…_

i did no such thing!

_Don't lie to Me. i killed just as many as I did. _

No, tha- that simply cannot be the case. i was gone during so much of the battles, the carnage…

_Ah, but i was never truly gone. Even when i am faded into My body i was there, watching- i always had the final say. I always listened for me to protest, and the few times i did tell Me to stop… well I did, until i changed my mind in favor of staying alive._

That doesn't- i don't remember…

Hundreds upon thousands of memories flashed into my head suddenly making me gasp and be filled with pain.

"No, but- that can't be."

_i and I are one. Every human, every vampire I killed was also killed by me. Every newborn I tortured as punishment or for information- all just to stay alive- every cruel deed done for entertainment, to build fear… i can't hide behind Me anymore. i need to deal with the fact that i was a monster-_

All that pain- i… i can't accept that it was me who caused it… I! I always said that it was Me! I can't go moving the blame to me now!

_i know damn well that i and I are the same person. _

Then who am i talking to if I and i are one?!

_i'm talking to myself. _

…but does that mean i'm crazy?

_i'm a lot of things, but crazy is not one of them. _

* * *

**What do you think of him suddenly 'fading'? What do you think about the two parts of him having killed the same amount? The last line?  
**


	47. Drifting to Sleep

**Ch47: Drifting to Sleep**

**BPOV**

"I really need to get my shit together." I whispered to myself as I tossed and turned in bed, thoughts keeping me awake.

"What was that, Love?" Edward said, startling me. He was lifting up my window from the tree outside.

"Nothing, I was just thinking to myself." I downturned my blanket so he would join me in bed. "How was your hunt?" I asked, but the look that passed across his face made me question the truth behind Esme saying he had left to hunt.

"I made an ass out of myself, but the hunt was nice." He said while slipping into bed. I gave him a questioning look, but he just shook his head.

"Did you have fun with Esme this evening?" He asked as I snuggled up against him. I already felt sleepier now that I was back in his arms.

"I always do."

"Good." He kissed me on the forehead. Normally any of his kisses would heat me up and most definitely wake me up, but I was tired. My thoughts had just kept spinning around my mind for the past three hours since I got back from the Cullen mansion. I was exhausted.

I could feel Edward against me as I tried to doze off, but instead of the usual lust having him so close would invoke I just felt comfortable, like finding the perfect pillow. He started humming my lullaby. The perfect pillow with a built in lullaby.

I should want to jump him. Just before I went to the tea party he had set me on fire with his touch. Now I'm not feeling any lust for my Edward.

I yawned and nuzzled against my boyfriend. He always smells so good.

Mhmm… but when I was laying next to… Jasper… he wasn't even …

I yawned again, feeling myself quickly drifting to sleep.

.

he… wasn't touching me… but I… was … wanted to… sex… with Jasper… sexy…

.

.

Jasper… different… than my…boyf… Edward…

.

.

.

so warm… with… Jasp…er

* * *

**What do you think of Bella's blurry thoughts?  
**


	48. To Survive

**Ch48: To Survive**

**JPOV**

My eye color is changing. I touched the mirror, tracing my own image. i wanted to smash the mirror, hear it shatter, watch the bits go everywhere- each one reflecting its brother's death, but I stopped me.

This room… they gave Me. I fell onto the oversized- over stuffed bed. What a palace-

And i'm the one who killed all those vampires, those humans- men, women, children…

It's so hard to believe that i'm the same person as Me, as the God of War… The Major- The one who sent groups of vampires who just finished their change across enemy lines as a diversion, knowing that they would have no hope of winning. i tortured so many- i just can't be-

_i always knew. _

To know and to acknowledge something is completely different.

i looked at My hands, no my hands- They have pulled arms from bodies… punctured holes in skin then widened them- tearing them apart, felt the sinewy muscle gore. Lit fires- burned down villages, massacred armies, tortured humans, and vampires alike… all by these two hands.

I'm-i'm not good enough for Bella.

_i am getting better… for Bella._

But how can i ever come back from something like that?

_… Nothing will ever make me the Jasper i was before i fought my first battle- before the first time i took someone else's life. _

i just don't understand… how can I and i be the same- I know so much more than me. I sound confident and talk suavely. i can hardly string two sentences together…

_Everyone has more than one aspect to them, everyone has their good days and bad… _

If that's true then why do I even need to explain things to me if I am me?

_As i said: To know and to acknowledge something is completely different… _

_i have the tendency to… casually push away the painful things. _I chuckled darkly.

_It has served me well in many respects, mostly in the short run…but as those painful things kept popping up i had to keep pushing them away… When i was no longer strong enough to do so... I pushed them away for me. _

i don't want to believe that… i don't want to believe that i could be so hurt that i would break-

_In the world Jasper Whitlock was reborn into… being sane was a weakness. i suffered with sanity. When i left the hindrance of a sound mind behind… i was a lot more likely to survive. _

* * *

**What do you think about him being: 'so hurt that i would break'? His analysis on why he did all that?  
**


	49. Too Dark of a Story

**Ch49: Too Dark of a Story  
**

**BPOV**

It was two weeks of me fretting over my sudden lack of lust for Edward before I saw Jasper again.

I was driving back from work at night when I spotted a blond walking on the sidewalk. Some part of me must have recognized him because without thinking I pulled over and stopped the truck.

He didn't look up so I cranked down the window.

"Jasper!" He seemed startled then pleased. "You need a ride?"

"Do I need one?" Jasper said while walking up to my truck. He stuck his head in the truck and looked around. "No, a little walk doesn't hurt me, but I'll take you up on that offer." He unlatched the lock and opened the door. "If that's still alright with you."

"Of course." He hopped into the truck. "Where are you heading?" I asked, not moving the car yet.

"Oh, I was just out for a walk, stretching my legs." He grinned at me and against my will I blushed. "And where are you driving?"

"Well, I was heading home…" I hadn't meant to have such a suggestive, open ended answer.

"You don't have to head home." I held back a gasp as he touched my knee. "I'm not suggesting anything immoral, just…"

"Then why is your hand on my leg?"

"I can remove it, if that's what you want." He paused, the pad of his thumb drawing small circles over my jeans. "Is that what you want?" I put my hand over his. I really should move his hand… He suddenly pulled away from me. "You're still attached to that boy. I see that now." Jasper started opening the truck door.

"Wait!" I grabbed his hand, making him completely freeze.

"Maybe the boy is good for you. Despite his immature disposition he is at least sane." As Jasper spoke he kept his eyes cast away from me.

I didn't want to let go of his hand. I knew the second I did he'd disappear.

"It's not like that. " I said weakly. "I love Edward." I sighed and Jasper looked at me. "It's just that… I keep thinking about you and I don't know why." My voice was weak. I felt like my confusion from the past few weeks accumulate into a strangling anxiety now that I finally voiced my worries.

Jasper leaned back against the seat. His eyes were closed, but our hands were still laced together.

"I don't know what it's about you either… When I first met you I hesitated." His eyes flashed open and to mine. "I never hesitate. Hesitation implies some part of me knowing something isn't right and actually having the will to stop that action. Something about you made me stop killing, makes me want to be the man I was before this un-life made sinning the only path to survival."

We sat in silence. I tried to ignore the nagging guilt and just focus on how happy I felt just from having him hold my hand.

"I want to know everything about you." I whispered. I didn't want to break the semi-silence but my need to know more about him overshadowed that. Jasper laughed cheerlessly.

"That is too dark of a story- To simply recall it would be too much, let alone to say it." I held his hand tighter. I just couldn't imagine a life where so many scars could be accumulated. I couldn't see a patch of his skin without the jagged crests. He sighed. "I should go."

"But I don't want you to go." My voice was surprisingly strained.

"I won't be far away, just at the Cullen palace." He squeezed my hand before releasing it and disappearing.

* * *

**What do you think of their conversation? Of Bella's need to know more about him?  
**


	50. What Matters

**Ch50: What Matters**

**JPOV**

Why, why, why did I do that? i don't understand!

_Bella still isn't quite ready. She feels that she wants me, but is still bound to that boy. _

Her emotion was so strained. i could feel her struggling…

_Struggling with what she wants with what she has. Time is on my side. _

Rage and anxiety entered my gift's range.

I hopped down from the tree I had been sitting on.

The carrier of the negative emotions was definitely coming towards Me.

What should I do? i don't want to kill anymore...

_It's the boy._

oh… well that's different.

I chuckled and started picturing dismembered vampires in My mind.

"You're sick." The boy said a minute later when he finally entered My sights. "How dare you go near Bella." He growled and walked up. He was absolutely livid, and that only served to amuse Me further.

i was not in the least bit intimidated.

_Same here. This is too comical._

"Who do you think you are invading her space, getting into her truck? Were you thinking of kidnapping her again? Of hurting her?"

_He clearly has no idea what happened, probably just scented Me in the truck. _

"You should really ask Beautiful Bella." I said while grinning.

"This is between you and me." He tried to sound threatening, manly, strong- everything he wasn't.

…at least he's sane.

_Hush._

"Then why do you keep mentioning her?" I gave him a malicious grin.

Can't I just decapitate him? i'm sure Bella wouldn't be too mad about that.

"Why are you always thinking about her?! She doesn't even like you!" His frustration was skyrocketing, along with an undercurrent of panic.

"She tell you that herself?" I teased. He was going to snap soon. To push or not to push… "I feel like she and I have quite the connection."

Make a move so I have an excuse to pull off your arms and break your legs.

But the boy decided wisely to use his words instead of frail fists. He was so scared and anxious, like a child lost in a crowd.

"No one wants you here!" He hissed, more panic than anger coloring his voice.

"We both know that's not true. Carlisle wants a new project, Esme needs someone to care after, and Emmett always wanted a brother who didn't act like a sister." I laughed. "Most of all Bella wants me here." I turned away from him, knowing he wouldn't attack. "And she's all that really matters."

* * *

**What do you think of Edward's reaction? of the last paragraph?  
**


	51. A Theory

**Ch51: A Theory**

**BPOV**

"I figured it out!" Edward announced to me as he sat at our lunch table. He looked so cheerful that I just had to smile

"Figured what out?" I tried to match his level of enthusiasm, but my guilt for holding on so desperately to Jasper's hand two nights ago was ever present.

"I know what Jasper's gift is!"

I perked up, genuinely interested.

"Do tell." And please don't be a jerk about it.

"Carlisle had been trying to hide Jasper's past from me, but I put those pieces together. Apparently he was some sort of general years ago for an army of vampires." I didn't know how to interpret that. Jasper had said that at one point he was the Devil himself. To lead an army almost guarantees death, even more so when it's an army of killers.

I decided to push that thought aside for analysis later on.

"So what does that have to do with his gift?"

"I finally put together his strange thoughts and everyone's actions. His gift is manipulating relationships! How else do you explain him being able to control so many other vampires, and how Carlisle, against his better judgment, accepted him as part of the family, or how-"

"Are you serious, Edward?" I stood up, grabbing my half empty tray. I could feel everyone in the cafeteria suddenly look at me, making me nervous. "Are you really that immature that you have to say Jasper must have some sort of magic that makes people like him?" I whispered. Edward frowned, his enthusiasm smashed. He followed me as I started leaving.

"I'm completely serious. How else do you explain him finding his way into our family?"

"Uhm, maybe because he's a good person that just needs help from some good people?"

"Love, you're only saying that because he's manipulated your relationship with him." He was really starting to piss me off. What made it worse was that I could tell Edward actually believed what he was saying. "That's why you think of him as a friend," I wish I thought of him as just a friend, "instead of being scared of him."

"How old are you again?"

"I'm-"

"It was a rhetorical question."

"What else explains why you don't hate him? If I had told you a year ago that someone would kidnap you and then you'd just forgive them and allow them to live down the street would you have believed me?" I didn't respond. "Please just think about it." He sounded like a scolded child, making me sigh. I hated when we bickered.

"Fine. I'll think about it. Just give me a few. I need to cool off."

But I didn't want to think about it. The idea that the attraction I had towards Jasper was purely manufactured made feel empty- And I didn't want to think about it because it made sense. My attraction to Jasper was illogical, and what Edward just presented was a solution.

* * *

**What do you think of their fight? Of Edward's theory? Of Bella's last paragraph? **


	52. Peer Review

**Sorry if I didn't get to respond to your review. I had an absolutely shitty day. **

* * *

**Ch52: Peer Review**

**JPOV**

Coddle, coddle, coddle. As much as Esme's kindness was a breath of fresh air compared to the rest of my unlife- it was still stifling.

I wanted to break a few windows just to hear them shatter, snap bones to hear screams, splatter blood in the thirsty sand, but i just felt too tired for such beautiful destruction.

Esme was talking to Me, but i wasn't listening. All she ever talked about were idle topics like the ambiance of an area, or how her life turned around once she met Carlisle the second time. Though at times I did find her blithering on calming, hearing them repeatedly only served to annoy Me.

Finally she left me alone in the garden. My favorite spot was under an old oak tree. Its leaves filtering in and out the light...

And then once again any small amount of peace i could garnish from this life was swept away. The boy was back. He was standing over Me, blocking the few rays of sun that pushed their way through the clouds and leaves.

"I figured out what you gift is." He said, overly confident, but there was a layer of sadness to it.

_I doubt that. _

but, if he-

_Be quite._

"I'm listening."

"You can manipulate relationships; make people like you despite their better judgement." Before he could even finish speaking I could hear Esme walking outside to scold him.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen how dare you be so rude in my household!" Esme said in a very scolding voice as she walked out of the palace. Technically he wasn't inside the household, but i don't think she really cared about that small fact.

"It's quite alright, Esme. I find his accusations a nice break to my boredom." I said lightly before looking back at the boy. "Now, let me walk you through this obviously flawed theory of yours. If it was the case that I could manipulate relationships then wouldn't I tweak yours so instead of hating me you'd worship me like a god?" Like the God of War i am- "Then I wouldn't have to deal with your constant accusations." He was speechless. It was just so easy to play with him.

_And if I could bend relationships to My will I'd turn your whole family against you, make Bella be in love with me, change her then run away with her as your former family sets you on fire._

Mother Fire-

"You're sick. I can't believe my family trusts you for even a second without you using some form of trickery on them." He growled at me and I just looked at him blankly.

"Edward! Get in here right now! If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Edward glared at me one more time before going inside. "Carlisle will be hearing about this. You should expect a sever scolding." Edward's emotions immediately turned to a mixture of fear, sadness, and shame.

_Pathetic, being scared of a few harsh words._

* * *

**What do you think of their little tiff? I'm in dire need of some love!  
**


	53. Contemplation

**Ch53: Contemplation**

**BPOV**

As much as I didn't want to doubt the sincerity of my feelings for Jasper, something about what Edward said was haunting me. I could still remember when Jasper and I had been in the car together and for some reason I had been very happy and complacent despite the whole kidnapping situation. I had felt so happy to be with him, like we were best friends on a road trip.

Maybe his gift was the ability to manipulate relationships…

That would explain a lot of things. Why my feelings for Edward had dulled and why I suddenly have such an intense attraction to Jasper.

Though it wouldn't explain why I'm suddenly bored with my current life despite it once being all I ever wanted: an awesome boyfriend, a group of good friends, a steady job, and good grades. Now all that felt petty.

I started tearing up.

Why don't I love this life the way I used to? I just want to love Edward again, to have everything the way it was before Jasper whisked me away.

But that's not true. As much chaos as Jasper being here stirred in me I don't want him to go or for me to forget about him.

I guess maybe I've never encountered someone like him before, someone broken yet desperately trying to become whole, someone who has seen true evil, and- and-

Why am I so attracted to him? Not just physically- I just want to be around him constantly!

It's frustrating.

I know next to nothing about him yet I feel like I'd be fine running away with him if he asked me to despite all the people who I love here. I always just feel so warm around him and it makes no sense.

Just thinking about him made me feel a bit warmer.

Maybe his gift really is some sort of manipulation.

I've always prided myself on being logical and this is not logical at all!

I just can't accept that this weird emotion is natural, especially considering how little I know about Jasper.

It's not lust, I know lust. Edward showed me that one in spades when we first started dating.

It's not love, I know how that felt with Edward-

This was just so much more intense than that love- Maybe what I had with Edward wasn't love… but I didn't want to accept that. If that was true than that would mean I was willing to give up everything in this life for something less than love.

I'm just so frustrated!

I feel like I'm not being loyal to Edward and that really hurts me. I could only image the pain it would cause him if he knew that my love for him was fading.

* * *

**What do you think of her reason for not wanting to accept that she isn't in love with Edward?  
**


	54. Scolding

**Ch54: Scolding**

**JPOV**

The boy's apprehension had been steadily growing as the seconds ticked away before his leader came home from where ever it is he comes back from every day, smelling of gauze and soap.

It made Me chuckle even though i was fearful that this would somehow lead to Carlisle kicking Me out.

Esme once again apologized for her pseudo-offspring's actions. Emmett came out of their palace and offered to play some videogames with Me, but i just want to be alone so I turned him down nicely.

Finally their coven leader came back, cause Me to grin manically.

i could never tell which version of me was sicker, Me or me. I tended to function better, but had streaks of ill intentioned actions that i'm too weak of heart to do.

_I and i are of equal sickness._

…good to know.

"Edward, in my office now." Carlisle said right at he entered the house. How did he know Esme wanted him to scold the boy. She hasn't even spoken to-

_Telephones._

oh.

Carlisle was feeling more annoyed than angry.

"Esme tells me you've been messing with Jasper again, despite my earlier warnings." He said in a stern voice, making me immediately think about how Glarry Merry Maria used to scold Me, then pull Me apart, starve Me, tease Me, fuck Me-

_Pay attention. i've already missed so much._

"-but you don't have to hear what he think- what he imagines." The boy said in a desperate voice. The blond male isn't even torturing him yet and he's already begging, pleading the same way- "He has to have some sort of gift. How else do you explain why Bella forgave him so readily? Or how he was able to survive for so long in a war? I've seen some of his memories of battle- no normal vampire would be able to survive one of those, let alone thousands of them-"

"Edward just stop. I want to help that young man and you accusing him of things just sets back any progress he's made. As the saying goes: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. I don't like coming home to a frowning wife. Even if he does have a gift I truly believe that he wants to reform and that he wouldn't use it against us."

"But-"

"The only time you are allowed to say anything negative about him is if you truly believe he is going to hurt someone. And even then you better be respectful and truthful."

"I really do believe he's going to hurt Bella."

"Based on what?"

"Based on his thoughts. Did you know he went into Bella's car-"

"He already told me about that."

I did?

_Yes, in passing. _

"And you're not mad?"

"She invited him into her truck. It's not like he broke into it."

"Is that what he told you?!"

"Edward, just stop. He has done nothing wrong since he's gotten here. You constantly crying wolf on him is just tiring me out and making me doubt your honesty." Carlisle said and the boy's already stressed emotion turned to a swirling mixture of shame, self-doubt, and distress.

"I'm your son and you're going to believe a stranger over me?" His voice sounded tired and sad.

"I'm just telling you how I perceive your actions. You're giving me no solid proof on the matter, only your biased speculations. I know he kidnapped Bella, but people change and I really think he's changing for the better. Even if you can read his mind, that does not mean you know his motives. So stop all of your accusation." There was a pause. "Am I understood?"

"Yes."

* * *

**What do you think of Edward's scolding? **


	55. Nervous?

**Ch55: Nervous? **

**BPOV**

"So Bella…" Edward said as he drove us away from school. It was finally Friday, the end of another tiring school week- and I knew that we were both stressed, so hopefully this weekend would let us really relax.

"So Edward…" I teased, making him smile and me blush in response.

"I was thinking about us going on a date tomorrow night..." His voice was so hesitant and almost shy. It was adorable and made me feel confident knowing I could make him nervous.

"Are you asking me out on a date, Mr. Cullen?"

"I am, Ms. Swan. I was thinking of something simple like dinner and a movie, unless you have something better in mind." Well, I could think of a few things, half of which involved no clothes and the other half involved Jasper- also with no clothes, which instantly made me feel guilty again. I have to focus on this incredible man who loves me.

"That sounds wonderful."

"Great, pick you up at five?" He asked as he parked in front of my house.

"That works for me." Edward opened the door for me and gave me a brief kiss.

"I'd stay the night, but I need to go hunting."

"Again?" I asked like I used to always, before Jasper came along, making me not care about my boyfriend's absence.

"Yes, I want to be safe around you."

"Fine." I pretended to pout, just to make him happy and give me another kiss. We exchanged I love yous and goodbyes before I went inside and he drove off.

He really is a great boyfriend.

I liked when things were simple and easily like this, where there was no real mention of vampires- a conversation that any couple could have together, well if I excluded the hunting comment.

A small part of me wished I had dated a human before Edward so I could have some sort of reference on how boyfriend and girlfriend are supposed to interact, but that didn't matter since I couldn't change the past. I just had to work with what I had, and that was Edward. And how could I be mad at him when he treated me like this?

Our spats were once in a blue moon, but for some reason I felt some part of me slipping away from the relationship. He made me angry sometimes, but I'm pretty sure in every relationship there were moments of anger. I just couldn't understand this jumbled situation between Edward, Jasper and me, but I did know that I wanted to be happy- and every date Edward has taken me on so far has made me happy.

* * *

**What do you think of Edward's invitation? Of Bella's thoughts towards the end of the chapter?  
**


	56. Insurmountable

**Sorry I couldn't respond to reviews. I'm sick, had to write a paper this morning, and I have a test in two hours that I'm studying for now. Wish me luck! **

* * *

**Ch56: Insurmountable**

**JPOV**

"Jasper can you join me in my office?" Carlisle asked.

This was it! This is the part when Carlisle realizes how insane i am and kicks me out- the part where I have to kill them all, where I have to kidnap Bella again- where she hates Me!

_Calm down._

okay...

"I'll be there in a second." I said in a monotone voice.

At least the boy isn't here to overhear any punishment I may be receiving.

As I walked into the office for the first time I realized that Carlisle's study was a shrine to intellectual pursuits- and it made me uncomfortable. Such extravagance would never work in an encampment.

"Please have a seat." Carlisle gestured to an arm chair. I was acting completely calm while i was feeling like the world was collapsing around me. "You and Edward seem to keep having problems."

"So it would seem."

"Are you teasing him in your mind?" Carlisle asked completely straightforward. It was one of the aspects of Carlisle i appreciated.

"Sometimes, nothing too extreme." I admitted.

Nothing too extreme? Nothing too extreme! Yes all the shit i went through- all those flashbacks weren't 'too extreme'-

"Hmm, I see. Well please stop that. Things are tense enough around here as is." Carlisle leaned back in his chair in a very relaxed manner that contrasted with his actual tense emotions. "I've heard many rumors about your time during the Southern Wars, none of them ever specified your gift. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I am curious about your gift, assuming that you have one."

I sighed and i just shook my head, feeling completely exhausted.

"my 'gift' as you put it, is a tactical weapon as well as a constant annoyance." I said vaguely, piquing Carlisle's interest. "If someone is in my range-" no, no, no! Don't tell him! "which isn't all that far I can sense their emotions automatically. It's one of the reasons i wanted to stop killing. i'm tired of feeling the fear fills up humans right before death." I paused, letting Carlisle take that information in.

"You said it was a weapon…"

"Though I refrain from actively doing so i can manipulate these emotions, amplifying them or twisting them into a different feeling. In battle I used to flush the enemies with mixtures of emotions putting them off balance and sometimes completely stunning them." I chuckled, thinking about the many times my gift had saved Me. "And before you ask I only used it once on Bella when I was kidnapping her. I haven't manipulated anyone since then." _With my gift at least. _

"I see. That's a rather interesting gift."

"Though it has its uses in helping Me stay alive it has burdened me with the memory of insurmountable negative emotions of those around me during my years of war." I stood up. "Unless there is anything else I'm going for a hunt." When he didn't respond I left.

* * *

**So once again Jasper has an eloquent answer to a complicated issue. What do you think?  
**


	57. Mr Confident

**Ch57: Mr. Confident**

**BPOV**

It was nice feeling excited about something again, even if it was somewhat fabricated... Renee always told me when I was a little girl that even if I wasn't really looking forward to something, pretending like it was the most exciting thing could make it seem a bit better. Despite her strange ways my mother was right.

As I 'dolled' myself up I kept running through over-the-top scenarios about my date tonight with Edward. Most of which made me laugh, which in turn made me feel a bit better about the whole situation.

The doorbell rang. He was early. I guess I should have expected that from him. I carefully descended the stairs before opening the door. Edward was looking more dapper than usual.

"You're early." I stated, feigning annoyance.

"I couldn't wait to see you." He said while walking inside. I gave him a quick kiss.

"Well I'm not quite ready yet. You can come upstairs with me if you like." I offered and he nodded, following me. I could feel his eyes on me as I emptied one of my few purses and put its contents in another, more stylish purse.

"So I got you a gift," He said and I looked at him dubiously, "and before you start protesting it didn't cost me much and I put it together myself, well Esme helped a little after I messed up my first four attempts, but that's beside the point." Why did he have to be so cute and bashful when he's embarrassed? It just pulls at my heartstrings. Maybe I really do love him. "Anyways, it's right there." He pointed towards my bookshelf. Sneaky vampire. The lovely object definitely hadn't been there when I went to open the door for him.

"Wow," I whispered as I looked at the lovely piece of art. It was a mason jar, but inside of it looked to be a cherry blossom branch in full bloom immersed in water. I carefully picked it up, but the water didn't move.

"Do you like it?" Edward asked and I could only nod. "It has a subtle beauty to it, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, it's stunning."

"Just like you." I could feel blush heat my cheeks. "I chose that branch myself from the very top of a Japanese cherry blossom tree when I was hunting in lower Washington. The resin it's in will preserve it."

I placed it on my nightstand, giving it a place of honor.

"You really set your best foot forward for this date, Edward. I don't think you'll be able to ever top this." I said as I grabbed my purse and started heading downstairs.

"That sounded like a challenge to me." Edward joked. "I'll just have to try harder on our next date."

"Well aren't you Mr. Confident, assuming that we're going to have another date?" I teased him as he opened the front door for me.

"Is it really an assumption, considering we're dating? If anything another date is a foregone conclusion." His confidence was charming and endearing.

"Hey now, just because the date started off well doesn't mean it will go well."

"Oh, because you're going to dump me if it turns out we're going to see a pornographic film then eating at McDonalds?" He gave me a skeptical look, making me laugh as he turned his car on.

"You're really too much sometimes, Edward." He just smirked as he maneuvered the car onto the street. "We're not going to see a porno though are we?" Edward's smile just grew bigger. "Edward?" He didn't respond. "We aren't are we?" I asked my voice slightly desperate; his smirk wasn't giving anything away. Finally he burst out laughing, making me relax.

He really is too perfect.

* * *

**So what do you think of his gift? of the chapter? **


	58. Digging out of the Darkness

**Ch58: Digging out of the Darkness**

**JPOV**

I walked towards the Cullen palace at a slow, meandering pace. As I got closer I could sense someone's emotions. It was a mixture of pain, hatred, and sadness.

I shouldn't go in there. No good can come of such emotions…

_In crisis there is opportunity. _

I walked inside and scented the place. The blond female. There was no one else in the palace.

She was sitting by the window, her face was completely blank as she stared out into the forest.

"i once stuck my foot inside a fire." I said, she cast her eyes on me with an icy glare. A tinge of curiosity entered her emotional chaos, slightly dulling her other feelings. "i was at the height of my insanity." I sat down in the seat facing hers and started unlacing my shoe. "The pain of my past kept warping my mind, my thoughts. i was so crazy that I used to talk to the fire, like it was my friend. i was having an argument with it and i truly believed it couldn't hurt me." I chuckled and Rosalie's emotions were slowly turning to curiosity and suspicion. "So, as goes the logic of a mad man, i stuck my foot in the fire, at the cost of three toes." A small smile quirked her lip as I wiggled my two remaining toes at her.

"Why did Carlisle let you come back with us? You're still insane." Her words were harsh, but her tone was light. Her emotions were humorous.

"I'm just trying to dig myself out of this darkness. Being here has definitely helped."

"I can see that." She grinned then sighed. "Thanks for the laugh." I could hear a car coming down the road heading in our direction. Rosalie stood up before walking outside to greet her husband.

* * *

**This is another one of my favorite chapters. What do you think of Jasper's story?  
**


	59. In Bed

**I decided to not write out the whole date since it would have been terribly typical and smooth. **

* * *

**Ch59: In Bed**

**BPOV**

My date with Edward had been wonderful, everything any girl could dream of, yet here I was again lying in bed, thoughts drifting between Jasper and my boyfriend.

I was once again stuck on trying to figure out why something kept pulling my thoughts to Jasper. It seemed like every time Edward started talking I'd start drifting away. Questions about Jasper's past plagued me.

I glanced to my nightstand. The gift Edward gave me was truly beautiful. A flower frozen in time… Delicate petals encased in a durable resin, practically indestructible once it set, then a glass casing, so easily broken.

Then my mind was back to Jasper. His soul- trapped in a nearly indestructible body, yet the outer most layer was riddled with scars, breaking what once most have been smooth- He's like a broken glass glued back together- working yet flawed.

I really know next to nothing about him. Instead of the kind soul I envision him having he could really be the monster Edward implied he is.

The clock read midnight and I still wasn't tired despite it being a very long day.

If I could just get Jasper out of my head- just get all my questions answered… I think I could finally go back to giving Edward the attention he deserves, the good girlfriend he deserve more than anyone else.

But the chances of getting Jasper alone in order to talk without interruption was so low, especially considering the enhanced sense of hearing they all had.

I sighed.

And it's not like there is anyone I can talk to about my conflict.

I glanced at my phone. If I called my mother I ran the risk of being overheard if Edward decided to stop in unexpectedly.

Despite the late hour I sent Renee a quick text asking if she was awake. She was a night owl anyways. A minute later my phone lit up.

_Whats up hun?_

I didn't know exactly what to say and ended up just sending her: _So Edward took me on the most romantic date ever today, but for some reason I keep thinking about this other guy even though I really don't know anything about him. _

Her response was almost instant: _lol i bet hes a badboy isnt he?_

I blushed. How could she get such a good read on me despite us being on opposite sides of the country?

_…Yeah._

_Lolz o my little girl has gottn a taste for the dark side! Mr perfect no longr as yummy now that a bad boy is in town!_

I sighed again. I should have known she wouldn't take this seriously.

_Mom, this is really bothering me. In case you didn't pick up on this it's bothering me so much that I can't even sleep. _

Her response was surprisingly slow.

_Hun you said you dont know this guy. Well gt to know him but make sure edward doesnt get jealous. Im sure he will be just like all the other guys youve met and youlll quickly lose interest and go back to eddiepoo. Just remember that all i want is for you to be happy. If you find that this new guy makes you happy breakup with edard softly wait a few weeks then get with newguy! _

For some reason her text made me smile.

_Thanks, I'll think about what you said. Love you. _

_Love you too hun!  
_

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**What do you think of Renee's advice? **


	60. Down a Different Road

**This chapter didn't turn out the way I had imagined it, but I like were it went. **

**I'm off to tackle an essay that I just spent an all-nighter on! Wish me luck!**

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**Ch60: Down a Different Road**

**JPOV**

I lurked on the side of the road where Bella had once offered me a ride. Luckily for me her truck had a very distinctive rumble to it, so I just stayed in the shadows, waiting like the predator I am.

An hour passed slowly and I was getting impatient. i tried to calm Me down, but I just started pacing. Another ten minutes passed and I started clawing at a tree. If I was deeper in the forest I'd bring hundreds of trees down in rage.

"Where is she?!" I was about to push down the tree when i heard Bella's truck off in the distance. I started walking the same way I had last time she offered to drive me somewhere. I grinned as I heard her tires slowdown, the rubber making a sickening noise against the wet pavement- like a body being dragged-

"You know if you're trying to hide the existence of vampires, walking alone in the rain doesn't help."

"Is that your way of offering me another ride." I asked while grinning.

"Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you." Bella said while unlatching the lock.

_Perfect._

…what if she doesn't want to see me again?

"Good, I've been meaning to talk to you too." I got into the truck even though i was panicking.

She started driving again.

"I don't think my father would appreciate me bringing a guy home this late, especially one he doesn't know." Bella paused. "There's not a lot of places open at this hour and any that are would just have people that would start a rumor." She mumbled the last part then turned her truck down a different road.

It was silent and i felt calm. Having her close always did that to me.

Silence has never felt so good.

_That's the effect she has on me. _

Ten minutes later she parked in a wooded area and grabbed a thick coat.

"This is one of the fishing holes Charlie used to take me to when I was a kid." Bella said as she opened the door and her umbrella. "Come on there is a covered area we can sit in."

I followed her out and to a small construction. It was a poorly made bench by a pond with an overhang.

"Won't the boy be mad that you're alone with me?" I asked, angering me.

Why, why, why would I say that? Don't I know that will only drive her away and back to hi-

"If Edward finds out I'll deal with him." Her emotion was resolute, surprising me as we sat down on the wooden bench.

_Have a little faith in Me. _

"So what is it you want to talk about?"

"I want to know more about you."

"Why?" Her skin instantly flared to a shade of red the second I spoke the word. How the color red used to drive me mad, now it only briefly registered.

"Well- uhm, because well-"

"I'll make you a deal. Hold My hand and you won't have to answer that." I offered My hand while smiling. Bella looked at it before quickly grabbing hold. Warmth, happiness, and comfort filled me.

_Heaven._

Please can't I just steal her away now? She's letting go of the boy. Why wait?

_No._

"I really shouldn't be doing this." Bella whispered. Her emotion was shifting to guilt. I lifted her hand and kissed it, causing her emotion to go back to embarrassment.

"Ask me questions. I can't guarantee that I'll answer them, but I'll try." She didn't respond immediately. Instead her emotion edged into darker territory. It almost felt like desperation, but more muted.

"Tell me something that will make me hate you." i was startled into stillness. She was looking at the pond.

"That's not a question."

"Will you please tell me something that will make me hate you?" A tear ran down her cheek, paining me.

no, no, no! Why would she ask Me that?!

_She wants to hate Me, but she can't. _

"In my first year of this un-life I killed one hundred and sixteen men, forty-six women, and eight children. Of the women I killed two of them were pregnant." I said with no emotion.

NO! NONONONONONO! WHY, WHY, WHY DID I TELL HER THAT? DO I TRULY NOT UNDERSTAND-

"And that's not including all the vampires I killed." Bella pulled her hand from Mine and covered her face. She was crying and there was nothing I could do about it.

"Why would you tell me that?" Bella said, her voice muffled by her hands.

"You want to hate me, don't you?"

"Yes! No- I don't know!" She threw her hands up in exasperation before dropping them and leaning against bench, her whole body sagging. Her emotion was a tired despair.

"You already know I wasn't a good person. I'm not going to hide anything from you. If there is going to be anything between us I want you to know what you're getting into." Angler flared inside of her, but I couldn't see it on her face.

"Why are you so sure there is going to be 'something between us'?"

"Just an instinct. I trust my instincts. They've saved my life many times." I slowly touched Bella's hand again, she didn't pull it back so I laced my fingers with hers. "Do you hate me yet?"

"No, for some reason I don't hate you."

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**Another chapter I really like. Has progress been made? What do you think of the last line?  
**


	61. Crushing

**Ch61: Crushing**

**BPOV**

"Why do you have so many scars?" I asked once I calmed down a bit more. I tried to focus on the dark pond in front of me, but my eyes kept drifting back to where my hand was joined with Jasper's.

"I was reborn on a battlefield. The woman- Mar-" He stuttered, surprising me. I didn't know a vampire could have such a human flaw. "The woman who made me into a vampire, she was the commander of an army." He had a strained look on his face.

"You don't have to tell me anything that will hurt you." I whispered. Just the look on his face was making me want to cry again.

"No, I want you to know. As a human I was part of the army…" Jasper's strange eyes met mine. "Even before she made me into this I'd taken human life." His voice and the emotions on his face weren't lining up. He sounded lifeless, uncaring, almost evil, but his expression showed more pain than I could even comprehend. "I was a major in the army, that's why she chose me. At first she treated me the same as her 'new soldiers', but it didn't take her long to see that I wasn't the same as the others." He took in a deep breath. "She was a disgusting creature. She made us fight for territory, for hunting grounds- large battles where hundreds died in seconds-" Jasper gasped and squeezed his eyes shut tightly.

"Please stop, this is obviously causing you a lot of pain." I brushed my free hand down his cheek. Even on his face he had scars...

"I hate that I'm making you cry." Jasper whispered. I hadn't even noticed that my tears had started falling again. "But you should know who I am, who I was." He pulled my hand away from his face, giving it the briefest kiss before releasing it. "If one of her soldiers made it past a year of un-life she'd have one of her inner circle kill them. I was one of the three in that group to make it to a year. She had the other two killed, but spared me- said I was too skilled to be burned." He laughed without humor. "Over the years she killed off or had me kill her inner circle, till it was just the two of us. I was her second in command in a bloody war for land. I was in that world for fifty-five years before I finally… just broke. I killed her, the army, and anyone who was in my path." Jasper fell silent and his eyes looked lifeless, scaring me. I enveloped him in a hug, but he was motionless.

"That's the past now. You don't have to let it hurt you anymore. I don't hate you for you what you had to do to survive." His arms wrapped around me, filling me with warmth.

"Your kindness is only surpassed by your beauty." I could feel him trembling. "But my cruelty didn't end there… After I broke I continued creating the devastation that had encompassed most of my life- I killed humans, vampire- I even burnt down a whole city once, just to cause destruction." I gripped onto Jasper tighter.

"That's all in the past now, that was a different you." My voice was weak, but I truly believe what I was saying.

"Yes-Maybe, but everyday-every second I fear that I'll slip back into being that monster." He sighed. "Insanity was comforting, but now that I can see my sins I have to face them- each one piling up on the last, crushing me- tempting me to let this small breath of sanity shatter back into chaos and blind ignorance." He sounded scared, making me want to hold him closer, hold him as he cried away all the pain.

"You don't have to let it crush you. I don't know if I could help you, but Carlisle has dealt with plenty of trauma, I'm sure he can help you at least a little. Please just ask him for help." Jasper didn't respond, but I could feel his hand, rhythmically brushing up and down my arm.

"I'll think about that…"

"Jasper I-" My phone vibrated in my coat pocket, startling me. I let go of Jasper and dug through my pocket before pulling out my phone. "Hey dad."

"Isn't it a bit late for you to still be out on a school night?" He asked, straight to business.

"Sorry, I got lost in a conversation. I'll head home now." I said and Charlie made a grumbling sort of noise. "Love you too dad, I'll see you in a few." He grumbled again and I closed the phone. "I've got to go." I said, sadly.

"So I see." Jasper was staring at his empty hands. He looked so lost, so hurt, and wounded. I didn't know what I could possibly do to make him feel any better. I settled on giving him a light kiss on the cheek. He looked at me surprised.

"I'll see you later." I stood up and gathered my things. As I started walking away guilt bubbled up inside of me. "Uhm, please don't tell anyone about this or think about it around Edward." I requested as I looked back at Jasper. He still had a stunned expression on his face. He gave a slight nod making me sigh in relief.

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**What do you think of Bella's advice for Jasper to talk to Carlisle? Of his fear of slipping back into who he used to be? And of course what do you think of the kiss?!**


	62. Strategy

**Ch62: Strategy**

**JPOV**

she-she kissed me.

_I told me to have a little faith in My actions. i might not be all that good at strategy, but I am._

DON'T THINK ABOUT BELLA- LIKE THIS IS ANOTHER BATTLE TO BE WON!

_WELL IT IS! If i just sat around mourning my past Bella would still be all doe-eyed for the boy! I have to do something! The boy clearly has the strategic advantage over me! He's her goddamn BOYFRIEND! Before I stepped in i was nothing! Absolutely nothing compared to her- compared to him! Just the sick vampire who kidnapped her! To not think strategically is to lose before even starting!_

…i won't allow Me to think of her like that.

_Would i rather the boy have her?_

no…

_THEN STOP WHINING AND LET ME DO AS I PLEASE!_

i can't let you just take over… if i fade again… i can't believe I told her all that- She must hate me.

_She felt no such thing… _

_Should I talk to Carlisle as Bella suggested? I'm undecided. _

i don't know, i don't know, i don't know. This is all so hard, so painful.

_Calm down. It's about time I head back to the Cullen palace… before they start wondering where I've run off to now. But first…_

I suddenly hopped into the pond.

_No need for them to know I was just snuggling up with the Beautiful Bella. _

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**What do you think of Jasper's thoughts? **


	63. Another Chat

**So... many... tests. *dies***

* * *

**Ch63: Another Chat**

**BPOV**

Charlie wasn't too pleased with me considering it was closer to morning than not when I got back home.

After a scolding I took a quick shower, then went to bed, but once again my thoughts kept me awake. I grabbed my phone.

_He's not like the other guys. He's so much better. _I sent the text to Renee. When she didn't respond five minutes later I erased the message. It wouldn't do me any good if Edward saw that.

I was hoping talking with Jasper would put this matter to rest, but I guess I'm just not that lucky. I have a perfect boyfriend, but I also have this magnetism, attraction, this pull towards Jasper.

Even though he's killed so many, I still really want to be near him- to watch him heal, overcome his demons. I want him to be whole and happy.

I tossed and turned for a while before my phone lit up. Renee, always the night owl.

_Wellz my baby bellz now youve got to decide which 1 u like more. As much as edward is a cutie if this other guy makes your hrt race more and makes u happy go with him. O and send me a pic of him! He better look hotter than edward!_

I sighed at how carefree my mother is.

_It's more complex than that. New guy is complicated and damaged… And since you must know they're both 'hot' just in different ways. _I sent off my message and she responded almost immediately.

_Now i definitely need a pic! ;) _

Of course she completely ignored the important part of my text. I was about to text her saying goodnight when another text from her came in.

_Are his complications worth having him? And do u even know if he likes u?_

A slight tapping startled me and I dropped my phone. Luckily it landed on my bed. I swiped at it just as a breeze sent a chill down my spine.

"Who are you talking to so late?" Edward asked, no suspicion in his voice only curiosity as he slipped through the window.

"Just my mom, give me a second to say goodbye."

My fingers started flying across my phone's keyboard.

_I'll ttyl mom, I keep dozing off. Love you!_

I deleted all my text messages and turned my phone off.

"I'm surprised you're up so late." Edward said as I let him into my bed.

"Couldn't sleep. I thought that texting Renee would help." I explained as Edward held me close.

"Did it help?"

"Not really."

"Want me to hum your lullaby?"

"Yes please."

He started humming and I slowly drifted off, pushing away all thoughts.

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**What do you think of Renee's and Bella's conversation?  
**


	64. Every Feature

**Ch64: Every Feature **

**JPOV**

"Dude, you have to show me some of your moves."

"Fighting is not for fun, Emmett." I said sternly. Does he not understand what he's asking me?

"Come on! I hate feeling like the weakest guy in the room." Emmett complained.

"Then bring the boy in here. That ought to solve your problem." I said without thought. Emmett burst out laughing.

"Eddie-boy is probably off braiding Bella's hair. He's so lame in a fight. He relies on his gift too much, makes it too easy to fool him." He chuckled. "Come on, Jasper, just one spar." Emmett poked My shoulder, making My anger flare. i struggled to get it back under control.

"I do not spar, Emmett. There is no sparring with Me, once I start fighting I tear My opponent's head off then set them on fire." I growled at him and he backed away from Me. "You don't seem to understand the type of world I was reborn into. Every face I see reminds me of a person I've killed, every feature makes me recall a man or woman I ended, a life I destroyed."

"Geez, I get it. I'm sorry." He said with his hands up. He was sorry and guilty, but there was also a feeling of fear that set Me on edge. I growled at him again and he continued backing away until he was out of My sight.

i growled at Me.

How could I do that? He meant no harm.

_i wouldn't understand, i always take a backseat, but I'm always at the helm. It's tiring pretending to be docile and calm! Sometimes I just want to destroy the world like I used to, but I can't because I have to always be on alert, pretending. _

…am I really pretended- am I truly a monster?

I hissed at me.

_No, how dare i doubt Me! I've been working so hard and this is how i treat Me?! Destroying and slipping into insanity had been My catharsis for so long that I don't know how else to calm down anymore- other than being around Bella. i have no right to judge Me._

oh... okay. Sorry.

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**What do you think of Jasper's inner convo? Of his comment on every face he sees reminding him of someone he killed?  
**


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